#I mean you��ve SEEN the episode right

[mytalemyworld]

Oh God, I thought the writer tried to bury the "forbidden love" trope, I turned out to be sooo wrong…look at these two scenes, we watched them consecutively so the climax would get hurt.

First, here, Alya takes her hand back hastily and he gets angry with himself. OH FUCK

Second, this scene (I was holding my breath the whole time, they ruined me here):

Alya: I can't do it. (She is actually talking about her feelings but how can he know?) Cihan: Please accept this situation. Accept it so I'll walk into this room with my head down. I didn't look at you. I won't (look at you that way). I didn't get close to you. I didn't touch you. (OH FUCK FUCK FUCK, is he referring to the kitchen incident as well?)

WHEN HE SAYS HE DIDN'T TOUCH HER HIS VOICE CHANGES AGAIN, GETS WEAK.

NOBODY WANTS ME TO BELIEVE THAT THIS MAN HAS FALLEN IN LOVE JUST FOR ONCE.

And nor this is all, I know for a fact that his love for Alya is the most heartbreaking, the strongest, the most devastating one. I am not exaggerating, this man can not literally breathe when speaking to her, he did everything to not lose her when she wanted a divorce and it still pains him to be reminded of how forbidden she is to him actually.

And by the way Alya told Nare that Cihan promised her that he would never get close to Alya (physically and emotionally). So the forbidden love trope was reminded. It's all coming back to this, this is why suddenly their old conversations were brought up again.

Guys, let's be honest, if he still had feelings for someone else, he couldn't have fallen in love with Alya, that is not something you want to tell your audience, however, this show is mostly watched by the "total" audience and this was such a risky move. I mean, I have watched 50 episodes of Fazilet Hanım ve Kızları, I've seen Yağız's struggles, how he even brought his friend so nobody would be suspicious of his feelings for Hazan. I've seen worse, Güneşi Beklerken, Yabani…so I'm used to it. But still it was too risky. It seems the guilty conscience will cost this relationship a lot, because Alya said "she can't do it". (Oh God, the man completely lost himself, the reality struck again) And when they got married, Cihan made a promise that he wouldn't touch her, he wouldn't see her in that way. A promise, guys, a promise. He must be ashamed of himself.

I am not saying he didn't love Meryem, he loved her but all happened in the past. But he didn't want Alya to find out more, he thought he would have no right about anything anyway. But I must say, I've watched countless tv shows, you might not enjoy it (it could have been written better, I know) but this doesn't mean this is another dead end. Alya must have fallen in love with him, so they could feel the impossibility that's why this trope is being used harshly now but I wish it could have been handled more openly. Now we have to go through this shit too.

And now we have a bigger problem which is the fact that Alya is falling for him hard but we can't even enjoy it. It's become so painful, why did things end up this way? I can't bear to see her get hurt, I caaaaan't. (When he says he won't look at her that way, did you see how hurt she looks? I AM NOT OKAY!)

He is doing wrong because even though he really wants to stop himself he can't fucking do it, so how long will he keep doing this?

[firewasabeast]

don´t post if you want to avoid drama but your little rant is on the money. don´t even bother with the people who still pretend otherwise. the lengths to which people will go to pretend that OS did not deliberately exclude Lou from BTS and from the narrative about Bucks storyline of 1 1/2 seasons is absurd. the most ridiculous excuse I´ve read till now is that there are no pics of Lou in the after episode foto dumps because they only had non-emergency scenes together and that means there is likely no time between takes to take pictures! Nevermind that OS literally took a pic of himself at the funeral sight of 8x5 and posted it. OS did with Lou what he did with every other person that played his LI- exclude and let people believe that they are right in harrassing them because OS hates them, too. It is in fact irrelevant if he likes Lou or not, what matters is him letting people believe that he doesn´t. OS seems unable to get his ass out of fandom discourse even if you paid him, he must be stupid to now know how his public ass kissing of CB would look. I hope he enjoys the next LI Buck gets that won´t encroach on his spotlight. I also hope he enjoys the onslaught he is in for when all the Buddie fanatics remember that they are Eddie girlies first and foremost and start shitting on OS again for being a "bald, overweight queerbaiter" when they realize they will not get Buddie after all.

The public ass kissing toward Callum was one of the weirdest things to me! Never seen anything like it for a guest actor. Does the man really suck cock that well?

[xtraordinaryfangrl]

Yeah... turns out the streets were right about how the 6 measly episodes of TUA S4 was made in somebody's butt crack. I don't even have to watch it now (although I might after cleansing my mind with seasons 1 and 2 - aka PEAK TELEVISION) and I haven't even finished S3 because of how badly they butchered Alison's character/her relationship with Viktor. I do, however, have some very confused thoughts from the bits I've seen so far of the final season:

—

|‼️SPOILER ALERT‼️|

—

- Diego and Lila had 3 kids - two daughters and an unnamed son, according to the wiki-page? So what, is their son supposed to be a pee-wee version of Stanley (or as I know him, a softer version of Ashtray from Euphoria)?? That'd be cool if it was, y'know, confirmed. Guess I'll never know, and that in itself should be a criminal offense.

- SPEAKING OF ILLEGAL ACTIVITY - whoever pitched Five and Lila as a romantic pairing needs a psyche evaluation. You mean to tell me that not only she cheats on my man Diego, but she cheats on him with somebody who looks like a sophomore in college? She couldn’t have an affair with Sparrow!Ben? Or Luther - who apparently dabbles in male-stripping now? OR Viktor the Critically Acclaimed Ladies Man? Literally any other Hargreeves sibling would have been a better spring fling than a middle-aged man in a child’s body.

- Allison doesn’t say “I heard a rumor…” at all from the edits I’ve seen of her… Suspicious. Also, Ray just ditched her and Claire? For what- genuinely- WHY WOULD YOU GIVE MY SISTA A VILLAIN ARC FOR NO REASON LIKE-

- Weirdly enough, I’m sort of OK with the ending. Something will never sit right with me about the Hargreeves Siblings only finding peace in death after everything they’ve been through, sure. But their sacrifice makes sense, if not one huge inconsistency.

They didn’t just die, apparently. They were erased from existence, and their children still exist because of the Grandfather Paradox (which I still don’t get, by the way)? Fine. And yet, by some not-so-subtle foreshadowing, there’s an end-credits scene with a row of flowers - 8 marigolds. That’s not a coincidence, or maybe it is, but then that would also equate to more horrendous writing.

All in all, my love for the found-family trope is slightly tarnished now because of St*ve Bl*ckman and the only cure seems to be AO3.

—

Hell, I don’t write for this fandom, but if this isn’t a reason to start then what is?

[babybulbasaur920]

Incoming rant. Ok so I was talking to a friend at school about some old interests. I used to be into Miraculous, but haven't for a while now due to the cringe of it all. I'm not getting into it right now, I'll elaborate below, but just saying we can agree Marinette's actions where Adrrien is concerned is not cute, at all. So my friend asked me about a character I do like.

Rook Hunt.

She doesn't play Twisted Wonderland but I've told her enough about it that she gets the point. And her inquiry was, why do i dislike Marinette for her creepy behavior, but laugh about it when Rook does similar behavior? Now, granted i didn't really think of it like that, and it is a fair question, and i did have to think about it but here are some reasons why Rook is less creepy than Marinette

Consent. No one really likes Rook doing his thing, but they don't seem to care much either. Vil likes it enough, Neige loves the love, in cht, 5 he seems to be on good terms with Rook, and the non-human students at school seem indifferent to slightly irritated. If they really were not cool with Rook it would be open season on one french man. On the other hand, Adrien has no clue about Marinette´s behavior, going by the Troublemaker episode it appears she has managed to keep the creepy shit a secret, seeing Adriens reaction to all the pictures in her room. She somehow manages to spin it as part of her love of fashion which he believes. Rook at least is honest about what he does

Isolation. Rook has a life outside of what he does, yes he's a creep but it's not his whole personality. He has classes, science club, dance and singing lessons, because it's Pomefiore. Meanwhile Marinette- honestly her whole personality is being obsessed with Adrien, or Ladybug stuff

Possessive. Rook loves talking up Vil or Leona or whoever to whoever. He loves beauty and sharing it with the world. On the other hand we´ve seen how Marinette acts with who she sees as competition. Stalking Lila to the park, although she was right, her reaction was so overblown, and she's portrayed as so righteous and smart for not believing Lila when she totally fell for it too, until she heard the thing about Ladybug. Or teaming up with Chloe of all people to embarrass Kagami in front of Adrien, which looking back was creepier than I remembered. She wasn't dating him or anything, why does she feel so entitled- 

I'm not getting into that right now.

My point on this point being, Marinette wants Adrien all to herself and if you infringe on what she feels is her territory, she´ll get revenge. Now Rook loves Vil, not platonically or romantic but some secret third thing, and wants everyone to bask in him. He would never begrudge someone for getting close to the roi de poison. He is less possessive of his life partner, than Marientte is of some guy

Portrayal. Rook has flaws! Rook has flaws! Rook has flaws! It's commented that his behavior is creepy and invasive. Yes it's played for laughs but the reactions of irritation and anger from his victims is realistic. Assuming Adrien even knows the entirety of everything Marinette has done, she´ll be totally forgiven if she bats her eyes and looks sad, and even that's a stretch. Adrien will never be mad at the many invasions of privacy (and if he did, the fandom would lynch him for ¨being mean¨ to their precious princess). There's something to be said here for Gabriels micromanagement of Adrien making him believe a lack of boundaries is normal but i'll let somehow more knowledgeable on such topics handle that

That's all I can think of off the top of my head. I'm sure the comments will be a hellscape. But just know, if this made you mad, idc

[pbear]

Fairy Tail 100 Years Quest Review - Episodes 22-26

I completely fell behind on watching the show so here’s a rapidfire of me talking now that I’m caught up. Each one was written right after I watched the episode so I might talk about things that happen in the very next one because I haven’t seen it yet.

Episode 22

*sigh* More Lucy sexualization.

The idea of Spirit Arts and Spiria came out of nowhere and weren’t explained very well, but I thought the Moonlight Divinities were pretty cool. I liked Yoko’s yokai magic and the spin of Hakune’s ice magic freezing someone’s energy. The snow puppets were weird though. Obvious bait for Gray/Juvia and Lucy/Natsu firstly. BUT WHY WAS WENDY THERE.

Selene just loves manipulating everything and everyone, turning out to be pretty sadistic. She wants to pour even more magical energy into Elentear which will destroy the world, and then she throws our main characters into a game for her own amusement. So far she’s been a good threat.

Another thing I thought was interesting was the point in Lucy’s fight when it’s said that her spirits could be more powerful if she herself was more powerful. This kind of feeds into one of my problems with fights in this show. It’s just all about who has more raw power. While I think it’s a cool idea that Lucy being stronger can make her spirits stronger, I also like Celestial Spirit magic having an aspect of strategy. It’s not just power but knowing when to send out which spirit because they all have different skills. Also, I think Lucy’s strength has already been greatly demonstrated by her Star Dress ability where she can fight alongside her spirits. I like that being her symbol of growth versus her spirits being the ones who become stronger. (I mean, it can be both but I think Star Dress is easier to show evolution in unless you start giving the spirits more powers that we haven’t seen) That’s my Lucy rant for now.

The game Selene set up for Natsu and Gray isn’t that captivating to me. Fighting against your friends definitely has stakes, but I think fights between the main characters works better when there’s a separate conflict going on between them that can be addressed during the fight. Happy and Carla as monstrous cats was super cool though.

Okay, Aquarius’ return….felt a little anticlimactic. She just decides to show up since spirits can do that in this world. I’m hoping her and Lucy can have a moment, but honestly I’ve been enjoying the buildup of finding Aquarius’ key. I actually wish it was a plot point that got mentioned more and had a little more development. I think a reunion after Lucy goes through a lot of hard work to obtain the key again and then see Aquarius after so long could be such an emotional scene.

Alright episode. I’m hoping for some more interesting developments in the arc, although I enjoy Selene as an antagonist so far.

Episode 23

YES THIS IS THE ALL OUT MAGIC I WANTED TO SEE. Lucy summoning all her Zodiac spirits and Erza requipping into an insane set of armor was epic!

Aquarius coming back resolved the problem of everyone turning into yokai a little fast. Her telling Wendy that she made her drink poison was absolutely hilarious though and a smart move to get Wendy to reverse the yokai effects on herself. The moment between Lucy and Aquarius was sweet but convenient that she could snap Lucy out of being a yokai. The fact that her water can hold memories hasn’t been mentioned before I’m pretty sure.

The Whiteout Temple summoned our newest Diabolos member to Elentear. Congratulations to Suzaku for being the Diabolos member I like the most (honestly the bar is low). He’s called in to help defeat Selene but seems to have no problem fighting Fairy Tail either if they get in the way, so here’s to hoping Natsu doesn’t start a fight immediately since they meet at the end of the episode.

I enjoyed this one even though it didn’t advance the plot too much.

Episode 24

Solid episode. I really enjoyed both of the fights we got.

Suzaku ve. Selene was super cool. They’re doing a good job at hyping Selene up. All her attacks were interesting, not to mention her affecting the tide on Earthland even though she’s in another dimension.

Suzaku being the Sword Saint Dragon Eater was awesome (honestly Sword Saint Dragon kind of sounds cooler than any of the God Dragons). Selene obviously knew Kurunagi, the dragon he ate, so I hope that gets explained more. Also, Suzaku refers to killing Selene as a “tribute to his master.” Not only does that further build some ties between Selene and Kurunugi, but it displays a reverence for the dragon that we haven’t seen with the other Diabolos members which really intrigued me.

Suzaku also claims to dislike Fairy Tail because they harmed the other members of his guild. I think that’s a fair point, but I want to see that motivation to be backed up a little more. Does Suzaku care about his fellow guild members? (Another thing that the other Dragon Eaters don’t really display) Or does he have an extreme loyalty to his guild? It’s just interesting because he only turned on our main characters once he heard they were part of Fairy Tail, but he was actually getting along with them beforehand.

Lucy vs. Mimi was a big win for our girl Lucy. I really felt she deserved this victory. The fact that her attitude was what affected her strength and then having Aquarius back made her believe in herself again makes sense. I loved watching her move through different Star Dress forms. And then pulling out Urano Metoria!!! It really showed off how adaptive she can be in a fight and I loved it.

I’m interested to see how Gray vs. Hakune will play. One of my worries with facing the Moonlight Divinities again was that Fairy Tail would beat them even though they very recently had an absolute loss against them. I think Yoko’s fight avoided this by having Yoko go all out with her magic and then being met with Fairy Tail finding out they can go all out with their magic too. Then, Lucy’s development made sense that she would come back stronger against Mimi. I’m curious how Gray will win, especially since Hakune beat both him and Natsu previously.

Overall, I was glad to see some fights I was invested in.

Episode 25

Good episode but I was disappointed that Selene’s getting replaced with Alta Face as the major threat.

Gray vs. Hakune was a good fight, but I wish he’d used his Ice Devil powers to defeat her. If she can freeze magical attacks, I think punching her should have been the move too. Hakune trapping him in an illusion was a basic move at first, but having Ultear, his dad, and Ur there made it more impactful. I liked Gray breaking out because he’s more concerned about Juvia’s happiness than his own, so he’s able to easily reject that fantasy (it’s a bit sad too). The ending of Gray’s constructs taking on Hakune’s was a not a great ending to the fight. Again, I would have preferred Gray tapping in his Devil Slayer powers because that was shown to be more effective against Hakune’s magic. I don’t know why she didn’t just freeze his attack again like before.

So, Suzaku didn’t actually slay the dragon he ate which throws my idea that he could hold some sort of respect for the Sword Saint Dragon out the window. (He also calls dragons the nemesis to humanity or something which doubles down on this) The fact that his guild master was the one to kill it does contribute a little to my idea that he has extreme loyalty to his guild. That previous line about killing Selene being “a tribute to his master” is now obviously directed at Diabolos�� guild master. I wonder if there’s more to that relationship.

Kurunugi turns out to be one of Selene’s sons (who tf is the father though). Seeing Selene get angry over his death was something we haven’t seen from her yet. My first reaction would be that she’s angry because her son is dead, but we haven’t seen Selene be that empathetic towards anyone which makes this seem a little out of character to me (who knows, maybe she really cares about her son. Another possibility I like is that she’s very prideful about how powerful she is, so she’s angry by the idea that one of her offspring, a product of herself, could be slain. Either way, I hope we get more of this plot point.

Suzaku ends of beating Selene within an inch of her life. I think this would have been way cooler if Selene turned into a dragon. She said she would go all out against him, and I think returning to that draconic form is a symbol of power that we saw from Mercphobia and Aldoron when they were at the height of their power. It’s definitely possible she’ll fight again and this will happen though.

Congrats to Wendy for figuring out the hands were related to Face because I never would’ve made that connection. Now we have to fight a giant face. After the way Selene was built up, I’m not big on this. I’d be more interested in seeing where she teleported with Suzaku.

Episode 26

Alright episode. Felt a little rushed in wrapping things up.

The Alta Face fight was so anticlimactic, and that’s what happens when you introduce a random threat at the end of the season. Faced with the problem of too much magic energy, our main characters use the power of believing in themselves to defeat the enemy in two minutes. That conflict was resolved so easily it was barely a problem in the first place.

Everyone heads back to Earthland but Touka and Faris stay in Elentear. Honestly, I did think it was funny how Pantherlily wanted Touka to stay and be Laxus’ Exceed partner. That would be a hilarious duo.

Selene this episode was insane. I’m actually very happy with the development that she’s taking control of Diabolos. Their master and them thought they were hot shit but then their master gets one shot by her stomping on him. Incredible, I hope she whips them into shape and makes them an actual threat. Her faking defeat to Suzaku also just reinforced her cunning.

An actually good Jellal and Erza moment this season, yay. Like they mentioned in the episode, I thought about Jellal joining Fairy Tail, and I actually don’t know if I want that to happen. Aside from not wanting all the main couples in one place, I don’t think we need every important character in one place. I think it’s okay if Jellal does his own thing but visits Fairy Tail every once in a while. He doesn’t need to be in Fairy Tail to be important.

It looks like Natsu, Erza, Gray, Wendy, and Lucy are headed back to Elefseria which just so happens to be Selene’s next target so that’ll be an interesting face off. It would be cool to see if Elefseria has any fighting ability (He couldn’t take down the God Dragons but maybe the Diabolos members?). I also remembered that Sabertooth found out Fairy Tail was missing and it would be really funny if they were freaking out right now.

Anyways, I thought this first season of 100 Years Quest was alright. It’s not as good as previous Fairy Tail in my opinion, but it found some footing with Selene as an imposing antagonist. If they can find a way to do more character development, that would be great.

[normalgirlatron]

what does the shizuai playlist look like?

this will be very long bc i’m picking a few songs on it and taking lyrics + explaining them. so enjoy

virtual angel by artms — i think it fits really well because airi and shizuku are idols and they look up to one another because they view the other as their ideal idol (i’ll be there for you when your wings break). i see this song from airi’s perspective especially though, where she takes it upon herself to be by shizuku’s side through everything, esp after them arguing during the main story + her confronting cheerful*days after inadvertently driving shizuku to quit (letting go of you, that’s a heartbreak) AND the fact that, upon airi’s first meeting with shizuku, she was already encouraging her and paid exceptional attention to her! she’s shizuku’s virtual angel 🙂‍↕️

the shining by the neighbourhood — airi has always been jealous of shizuku but it isn’t because she hates shizuku. it’s bc she’s insecure and doesn’t believe in herself, especially after being discarded and reduced to a variety show character when that wasn’t her true passion. because shizuku’s always been seen as an idol even without meaning to, airi’s jealous. she’s hurt that shizuku is everything that she wants. but she’s always had affectionate feelings for shizuku, judging by her always uplifting her even though she called them “rivals”. she never actually acted like they were. so idk i think the “the way that you glow, everybody knows / you’ve got a heart of gold / and mine is always broken / so i’ll just paint it chrome” line fits airi’s complicated feelings toward herself and her love for shizuku despite it. if that makes sense

love attack by rescene — i think this is just a cute love song for them :3 they just go well together and always stuck with one another even when it was hard so being together is always nice

could you love me while i hate myself by zeph — i feel like this is really self explanatory but airi and her insecurities and how shizuku handles them. the hand talk where shizuku stops airi from tearing herself down and tells her everything that’s special and loving about her and her hands, the way shizuku tells airi that airi’s always been her ideal idol, that kind of thing. to me airi has bpd so her insecurities are all-consuming but shizuku doesn’t care and loves her anyway and lets her know :3 so it’s airi’s perspective of shizuku doing that

glue song by beabadoobee — just a self explanatory love song LOL but i feel like it really suits them. also the “i guess i’m stuck forever by the glue” makes me think of, in the mmj animated episode, airi saying “how can i say no when you put it like that?” + airi saying “oh, you. how can i stay mad after seeing that smile of yours?” she just always has a soft spot for shizuku like that so ^.^

reflections by the neighbourhood — idk just makes me think of their argument in the main story. they’re always saving and helping each other even though things hurt sometimes. “do you know if you’re coming back?” feels like regret setting in for airi after she said the words that shizuku didn’t have to put in work. “i’d rather lose somebody than use somebody” is also just really airi. “every time that we realized it’s crazy / and you save me” feels like shizuku after airi nearly beats the shit out of cheerful*days LOL 😭 but yeah. just feels right to me

everybody adores you (at least i do) by matt maltese — both of them!!! they both look up to each other so much and are the first people to see one another as who they truly are, so they genuinely and wholeheartedly adore each other and it feels like it is or should be universal because of how great the other person is… ya

it was all just a dream! by kurousagi — main story argument again. also bpd airi. just very fitting… it’s something i find the most interesting about their dynamic in my head and this song is about dedicating everything to being better and repenting for themselves & their actions so i just think it’s very fitting as airi to shzk u know. i could talk about this in particular for 5ever but i think everybody gets the point now so 🎅 i’ll be quiet

[xjulixred45x]

Las pociones de amor siempre me han dado asco, así que agradezco que Asmodeus se niegue a hacerlas. Y sé que el próximo episodio va a ser una patada emocional en las pelotas.

¡¿Es Verdad no!? Digo, todos crecimos con caricaturas con ALMENOS un capítulo de Pociones de Amor con un aspecto """""cOmIcO"""" pero lo REALMENTE jodido no es solo el hecho de que lo ven como algo gracioso (el OBLIGAR a alguien a quererte) sino que solo ven ALGO MALO cuando la persona afectada se obsesiona con el protagonista☠️(y no porque literal le quitaron el libre albedrío a alguien).

Que Asmodeus no le gusten y hasta se niegue a usarlas se ve muy en personaje, después de todo, el pecado de la Lujuria se define como el deseo excesivo, si, pero es siempre MUTUO, un deseo ardiente y tan pasional que es visto como un pecado. Por lo que para Ozzie debe verse como una "trampa" el usar las posiciones de amor, porque al usarlas no buscas LUJURIA, buscas PROPIEDAD sobre la otra persona, saltando la parte de pasión y deseo MUTUOS . Algo más asociado al ORGULLO(por esto mismo creo que actos como la violación entran más en el Orgullo que en la Lujuria, porque aún si es algo con inclinación sexual, eso no es lo que se busca, lo que se busca es PODER sobre la otra persona, pero bueno ya me estoy llendo por las ramas).

Si la Lujuria no es concentida no es Lujuria, solo es posesividad. Ese es el punto.

Y en cuanto a lo del siguiente capítulo, no lo se sinceramente, pero espero que Stolas reconozca su error, sus actitudes tóxicas del pasado y sobretodo SE DISCULPE por haber ignorado los claros signos de disconformidad que tenía Blitzø con el arreglo y que se Gaslighteo para creer que era algo "mutuo".

Ojalá Stolas le de a Blitzø el Cristal Asmodeo y así puedan empezar de cero, obvio, personalmente no le gusta la idea de que sigan como pareja, pero creo que aún si siguen con la perspectiva del romance, al menos ahora pueda hacerse bajo una base que no sea DUB-CON.

Sino, sinceramente estaré sumamente decepcionada. Pero tengo fe en que AL MENOS tendremos algo de crecimiento de personajes.

Espero....

____

TRUE RIGHT!? I mean, we all grew up with cartoons with AT LEAST one Love Potions episode looking """""cOmIc"""" but what's REALLY fucked up isn't just the fact that they see it as funny (FORCING someone to love you ) but they only see SOMETHING BAD when the affected person becomes obsessed with the protagonist☠️ (and not because they literally took away someone's free will).

That Asmodeus does not like them and even refuses to use them seems very in character, after all, the sin of Lust is defined as excessive desire, yes, but it is always MUTUAL, a burning desire and so passionate that it is seen as a sin. So for Ozzie it should be seen as a "trap" to use love positions, because when using them you are not looking for LUST, you are looking for OWNERSHIP over the other person, skipping all the passion and MUTUAL desire, it seems Something more associated with PRIDE (for this reason I believe that acts like rape fall more into Pride than into Lust, because even if it is something with a sexual inclination, that is not what is sought, what is sought is POWER over the someone else, but hey, I'm already rambling).

If Lust is not conscious, it is not Lust, it is just possessiveness. That is the point.

And as for the next chapter, I honestly don't know, but I hope that Stolas recognizes his mistake, his toxic attitudes of the past and above all APOLOGIZES for having ignored the clear signs of disagreement that Blitzø had with the arrangement and that he Gaslighted to believe that it was something "mutual."

I hope Stolas gives Blitzø the Asmodeus Crystal and so they can start from scratch, obviously, personally don't like the idea of them continuing as a couple, but I think that even if they continue with the perspective of romance, at least now it can be done on a solid basis. other than DUB-CON.

Otherwise, honestly I will be extremely disappointed. But I have faith that AT LEAST we'll get some character growth.

[bluepenguinstories]

Remoras Full Chapter LXXIV: Baby, It’s Cold Outside

I just realized something: I underestimated my target.

Huh? ‘Target’? What do I mean?

It’s simple, my (personal) mission was to...was to what? What did I expect would happen, and if I expected something to happen, why have I been avoiding making it happen? Could it have been some subconscious guilt?

No. Doubtful.

Any guilt I feel would be conscious. I would know of it.

I already made the mistake of showing up with multiple purposes in mind, each of them clashing with the other. No, I already knew this much:

My purpose was a mistake.

I left those chicks behind. They always seemed to view me as an enemy; every time I went to feed them, they would peck at me, and not at the seeds I tossed down. Why I continued to feed those ungrateful beasts must have had to do with the fact that I too was an ungrateful beast.

I had a great job once, until I decided killing sucked all the life out of me. Most people fall out of love with their jobs at some point, but that doesn’t mean they just quit over it, right? Not to mention it paid well. So what if I didn’t have much freedom to live my life or make friends. When have I ever cared about such things, anyway? The friendliest I used to get was putting the ‘friendly’ in ‘friendly fire.’

No, that’s not even true, as I’ve tried plenty of times to wave to others, only to get dirty looks. Like, so what if I’m cold and you’re not? Does that really give them the right to judge me? Anyone would sour on people if they got nothing but dirty looks all the time, wouldn’t they?

Oh, but then we get to the two most important women in my sordid life: Juniper and Vesuvius. Such strange people, they were, and yet they desired to befriend me. Me, of all people. So what did I do? Kick the bucket like it was a game of football (the American kind or the European kind, it didn’t matter).

Then, I could have continued to have just been Rachel, yet I half-assed that.

I didn’t think hard enough about my new persona. I didn’t put in enough effort to leave that old life behind and allow them to move on.

Guess I should have moved on as well.

If I were to wrap up loose ends, the first thing I had to do was confront my target.

I approached the house, stepping atop the brown grass and the dry soil. Each step made crunching noises, just like my footsteps would have made were I in the snow.

When I entered the house through the creaking door which reminded me of the howling wind during a blizzard and the varnished wood floor which felt like ice skating, I noticed Juniper Bark: target #1. The main target. She sat upon the couch.

“Where’s Ves?” I asked.

When I last left the royal volatile beauty, she was at the dining room table. Now, however, she was nowhere to be seen. Usually, I wouldn’t have cared so much, but this was a delicate matter.

“She’s taking a nap. After you went to feed the chickens, she had a little breakdown,” Juniper explained. Her voice was dull. No cuteness at all, and she sounded rather annoyed that I talked to her at all.

She had her legs folded up on the couch, and her arm between her legs, with a television remote in her hand. My attention turned toward the TV: it was on mute, and the only thing on was crackling static.

The television turned off, which meant either that wasn’t Juniper’s favorite show, or she had already seen that episode too many times.

I slid down and sat to the side of the couch.

“You know who I am, don’t you?” I asked her.

“What do you think?” She asked right back.

Gee. I don’t know. Why do you think I asked you in the first place? Was what I wanted to ask, but god damn it, I had tact.

“How long?” I said instead.

“Since the moment you showed up. No, there was even that suspicion during the phone call.”

There was a sudden draft in the air. You know what that means.

“H-How? I thought I had the perfect disguise. I shaved my head, I changed my name. It’s not even a pun. Do you know how unbearable that part was?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Juniper just shrugged it all off, “your shiver gives you away.”

I shivered again.

“God damn it,” I cursed under my breath. It came out like an icy puff.

“Yeah, I’d say so,” Juniper agreed.

“What about Ves? Why hasn’t she caught on?”

“Oh, I’m sure she has, but she doesn’t want to admit it,” Juniper’s dullness turned to a groan before a heavy sigh, “honestly, it’s exhausting. Both of you.”

OK. That part sounded angry. Was she mad?

“Why doesn’t she want to admit it?” I asked. I could have asked the more obvious question, “why are you mad, though?” But that didn’t seem so productive.

“You really need an explanation?” She sounded even more annoyed than before. Yikes.

“Yes? Why would I ask if I didn’t want an explanation?” I was annoyed right back.

“You’re right. Sorry,” Juniper shook her head. “You’re you. I forgot things like emotions don’t come easy for you.”

“It’s not that I can’t detect emotions,” I corrected her.

“As I’m sure you’ve guessed, Ves doesn’t have any supernatural powers. She managed to get rid of the angel bit inside of her. The side effect being that for a while, it was difficult to get her to feel any sense of joy.”

“Amazing. And just as I said on the phone, it seems like she’s in a better place.”

She nodded, but she didn’t seem very pleased by that remark.

“On top of that difficulty and her tendency to dwell on the negative, she couldn’t shake off the guilt that came with your death. She’d start seeing you in everyone.”

“What, did she see me penetrating them?”

“Not like that!”

“Then like what? No, don’t tell me. Just keep going.”

“She’d compare others to you. When she met Remora, she saw her as a second chance to make things right with you.”

“What was there to make right?”

“You know, she never wanted you to die. She really wished we all could have been friends.”

Juniper lowered her head. I would have done the same, but how was I to get a good look at her if I kept my head down?

“That’s not a burden she should have bore. I told her already, it wasn’t her fault. It was my decision. Isn’t that enough?”

“You don’t see how your actions can affect others?”

I grabbed the hems of my jeans and clenched my fists.

“I was never meant to be known.”

“It’s too late for that,” Juniper waved her hand away. “You already left a strong impression on both of us.”

My ears perked up. If I was a ferret, or an ermine, or even a stoat, I would have rolled around in the snow hearing that.

“I did?”

“Of course. Hard to forget someone who tried to kill you.”

Just like that, the mood dropped like the temperature in a room filled with cool air.

“Can’t we just put the past behind us?” I asked.

“I’d love to, but the past is right beside me.”

“In that case...nice to meet you, my name is Rachel.”

“That’s not going to work this time,” she shook her head. Defeated once again.

“Why not? Why can’t it work? Why can’t I exist beside you guys as someone else?”

“Is that what you want? Then why drop all these hints about who you were, or still are, if you don’t want that part of you to be known?”

“I don’t want to be a ghost, and I don’t want to be forgotten. I had nowhere else to go. My wants may be a contradiction, but both are true at the same time.”

“So you thought this was your solution? You’re going about this the wrong way.”

“What other solution would you have come up with?”

“I don’t know, be honest? Ves and I probably would have understood if you were just upfront, instead of this tiptoeing that you’ve been doing instead. I swear, both of you think you’re doing the right thing for others without ever consulting the people you’re doing these things for. Yet for some reason, you think of yourself as the ‘rational’ one, whatever that even means. If you know communication is important, why don’t you do it?”

“Hey,” I shot back, “I don’t know what you’re scolding me for. You haven’t communicated with your wife about your jealousy. You want me to say what I mean? You should do so as well.”

“You’re right,” Juniper nodded.

What was it with people and not giving the expected reaction? Shouldn’t she have been more defensive?

“That’s why all three of us should discuss this tonight. Get it all out in the open.”

“What?!” I almost got up, I was so shocked.

“Keep your voice down. Our favorite volcano is currently dormant.”

“You could just say she’s asleep, you know.”

“I feel like I could use a nap, myself, and yet I’ve barely been awake today. It’s still morning, for cryin’ out loud.”

“Yeah, well, may as well sleep if you got nothing better to do,” I suggested.

“Nope. You’re not getting out of this one. I definitely have something better to do than rest, and that’s confronting you.”

I gulped.

“You say ‘be honest’ like it’s easy, but look at it from my point of view: if I were to be honest, wouldn’t that have stirred up bad memories? Now do you see why I believed what I was doing was right for the both of you?”

Juniper nodded.

“I understand where you’re coming from, and that’s also what you don’t understand: your presence would have stirred bad memories regardless of who you presented yourself as. You can’t fully hide yourself, and there’s always going to be those little things. It’s going to hurt, and maybe it’s supposed to.”

“Then should I not have come here?”

“That’s not what I’m saying. You, of all people, Ms. Assassin, should know that sometimes pain is necessary. That doesn’t mean we don’t like you or don’t want you here.”

“Okay, first of all,” I stood up and put one finger up, “I am not, nor was I ever, an assassin. My job and the assignments I received often involved killing people, but the correct terminology wouldn’t be ‘assassin.’ The closest thing would be a ‘garbage collector.’ I collected the trash and disposed of it.”

“People are NOT trash,” Juniper looked up and scowled.

“Some are.”

“Human lives have value.”

“Yeah, yeah. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. I get that.”

“What were Ves and I to you? Trash or treasure?”

“Vesuvius was trash, you were treasure. Until you became spoiled, and then you were trash as well.”

She continued to scowl. I suppose any normal person would have seen that as the point where a falling out were to occur and I was kicked out of the house, left to figure out another place to stay.

I’m sure, in hindsight, as honest and sincere as I thought I was, it only made sense for her to do so.

But for better or worse, Juniper wasn’t like that.

“Then why couldn’t you dispose of us?” She asked instead.

“Because it turns out I was the biggest piece of trash of all.”

“That’s not true, either.”

I stared down at her. Even with that fiery passion which seemed more fitting on Ves, Juniper was as kind as ever.

“I know,” I admitted. “It’s all a figure of speech. An analogy. Dehumanization to make the job more palatable. I understand, at least on some level, that people are more than just targets. Spending time with you two was probably the most dangerous thing I could have done.”

“Why is that?”

“Because...it made it harder to see you two as anything other than...something precious. I mean both statements in the most literal way possible: you two broke me, and I don’t know if I would have allowed myself to be broken by anyone other than you two.”

“You never know. But for what it’s worth, I’m glad we had such an effect on you.”

I nodded.

“It made me wish I could do the impossible: form a connection with someone. I really meant it before when I said it would have been nice if we could be friends.”

“It can still happen.”

“How? Not only are you two different people, but I should have never been in your lives in the first place.”

“Let’s consider that both of those statements are true: does that really prevent us from being close?”

“How should I know? I’ve never been close with anyone, and I wouldn’t have wished to be, were it not for you.”

“Looks like the great and powerful Rhea has a weakness after all.”

For the record, my weakness is cute girls like you.

“Hey! Don’t use that name when a certain someone is around. She could wake up at any minute.”

“You’re going to tell her anyway, aren’t you?”

I groaned.

“I doubt you’ll give me a choice.”

“You have a choice. But you’ll do it because you love us,” Juniper winked.

“Don’t use such frivolous words.”

“Heh,” she snickered, then leaped out of her seat and stood up. “Hey. Let’s go on a drive.”

“What?” Such a statement was made so little sense that it made me wonder if I heard it at all.

“Yeah. We need a few more groceries. Besides, I’m sure Ves could use some alone time, and by the time we get back, we can talk to her.”

I still wasn’t interested in this ‘talk’ that kept getting mentioned. Yes, it was necessary. But without it written out as an assignment in an organized manner, it just didn’t feel tangible.

“Do I have to? If I stay here, I can have some alone time to myself.”

“But if you go, you can have some alone time with me.”

Ugh...talk about a rock and a Juniper place. The age old question: “should I stay or should I go?”

If I stay, I get alone time with me.

If I go, I get alone time with Juniper.

Why must I be cursed with making such decisions?

“All right. If it’s for you,” I concluded after looking around the house.

Besides, if it’s between being alone with (an awake) Juniper and being alone with (a sleeping) Ves, I know which I’d pick.

“Heh. I knew you’d make the right decision!” She grinned.

Ack! She was too bright! Too cheerful!

“It’s only because I’m weak to your charm,” I admitted.

“Hehe,” Juniper was even more elated. The gall.

She slipped off her slippers and slipped on some sneakers. On a rack next to the door were car keys.

“Say, are you a little cold? Would you like to borrow one of Ves’s sweaters? Hers are about your size.”

“A ‘little cold’? Excuse me? I’m a tall cold.”

“Right. Well, it’s up to you. I’m going to be blasting the AC on the way there, as for me, it’s pretty warm outside.”

“Grumble grumble,” I grumbled as I trudged over to the bedroom.

It wasn’t too hard to be quiet in the presence of another, and I was able to slip inside, slip a sweater off of the sweater rack, and slip away.

All that said, for that brief window I was inside, I stole a glance at the bed and Ves, who happened to have her face firmly planted in the cushion of the pillow. Her resting face was, dare I admit, serene. The way the curtains let in just enough light to shine on the side of her cheek and illuminate her shoulder length, golden blonde hair with just a touch of orange streaks.

It was like watching a lemon and a tangerine sumo wrestling.

Yes, I could think of no better analogy.

Juniper had one of those tawdry white pickup trucks. Nothing fancy, and in fact, it looked the opposite of fancy; ready to collapse at any moment. Part of me wondered if Juniper just built it herself from scratch and expected it to run. But she did say she drove into town to the grocery store several times…

We got in.

Her in the driver’s seat, and I in the passenger side.

The car pittered and pattered about. Sputtered as well.

“Is this thing safe to drive?” I turned to her and asked while she was already driving it down the road.

“It might explode, but the more likely thing to happen is just that it breaks down and stops in the middle of the road,” she explained.

“That doesn’t instill any confidence.”

The whole time she drove, her eyes were fixed forward on the road. It just occurred to me that despite all the vegetation on our little crumb of the world, the surrounding area was something more of a desert. I believe I saw a few of those tumbleweeds roll across the barren fields.

Juniper must not have cared. Maybe she’s seen all the highway had to offer.

“This thing’s what they call a gas guzzler, isn’t it?” I commented while staring out the window. We did pass by little tree farms. No other houses, though. The sky was cloudy, but nothing to suggest a chill omen on the way.

“It’s not that bad. Besides, we don’t go far,” Juniper replied, with her usual cheer and smile.

Something told me the fumes coming from the back of this death machine was of no concern to her.

“If it’s not far, why don’t we walk?” I suggested.

“In this heat? No way. Maybe on a cooler day.”

“It’s plenty cold to me,” I shrugged, with my forehead stuck on the glass window. I was sure it would fog up the glass. That was proof enough I was cold, wasn’t it?

“Would it warm you up if you ran?”

“Maybe.”

“So if one day we need to go out for groceries, if you gave me a piggyback ride, you would run to the store?”

“I don’t see why not.”

“How would we carry the groceries?”

“With our hands? What kind of question is that?”

“What if I get thirsty?”

“Bring a water bottle. You’re so worried about the logistics, yet you drive a pickup truck when it’s probably not necessary to do so.”

“It was pretty important when I needed to haul wood and stuff. Who knows when we might be in the mood for building things again?”

“You can’t be serious. Isn’t there plenty at the house as it is?”

“Are you just complaining for the sake of complaining?”

I puffed my cheeks.

“I’m not just complaining. I’m making conversation.”

“All right. I got something I’m curious about.”

“What?”

“Did you fake your death?”

My face clenched. Out of all the things to ask, it had to be…

“Do you think I would go through all that trouble? I wanted to die,” I rasped, just to make the message clear.

Juniper winced and her smile soured, only to bounce right back.

“So what do you think happened?”

“As in?”

“You coming back.”

“I don’t know. There was the coma idea. It’s not like there was no basis for my boxing story. But something tells me it wasn’t just a coma. I was too fresh for it to be that.”

“What do you mean?”

I shook my head. Even thinking of that cold awakening was unbearable.

“The wounds. I was still bleeding out when I woke up. I was told it was a few years later, but if it was a coma, wouldn’t there be some sign that I was being treated for it? No. I woke up in the arctic. Far from where I had intended to die. Worse, such a cold place like that, almost as if I was being mocked by the universe itself.”

“Strange.”

“I’d say it’s easier not to think about it, but I won’t lie, it does bother me.”

“What if...say, you weren’t actually you, but rather someone who looks like you, and with your memories?”

What a rancid suggestion.

“The thought has crossed my mind. I’m not saying it’s impossible; it is. But rather, if I have all the hallmarks of me, right on down to mannerisms, to the point where changing my appearance and my name won’t change who I am, what use is it to consider that I’m anyone else but me?”

“You’re right. Sorry,” she said, and her lips turned all lopsided again.

Please don’t look that way.

“You have every right to ask me such things,” I tried what I thought would ease the mood, “the truth is, that’s still a possibility so long as I don’t know what really happened. That’s always going to linger in the back of my mind until I find the answer. If I can find the answer. But being here with you is all the ease I need.”

That wasn’t the whole truth. No one thing would give me all the ease I needed. Still, that answer should give me a few points in Juniper’s favor which I can hopefully cash in at a later date.

Her lips turned again, this time in the shape of elbow macaroni. It wasn’t the smoothest of smiles, but it was one nonetheless.

“I’m glad. I hope we can all bring each other ease.”

We soon arrived in what looked like...not a town, but more like one of those Wild West towns. You know what I mean? I hope so, because I couldn’t find another way to describe it. I didn’t see any houses for dwelling, just a few wood buildings on one end which housed small shops like ‘wood shop’, ‘candy shop’, ‘electronic repair shop’, ‘horse repair shop’, and ‘thirdhand goods shop.’ I’m guessing with the last one it was like a secondhand goods with one extra hand.

On the right end, the end we were pulling into, there was a large parking lot, then an alleyway, then the turbomarket (like a supermarket but more super, I guess).

The alleyway was just a blue painted wall which divided the parking lot from the supermarket (or turbo, I guess. Really, let’s go back to calling it a grocery store). It had a canopy up top and if I had to bet on what was in that little alley, I’d have said a dumpster and maybe some chairs for the employees to sit down and have a smoke or something. And I bet I’d win that bet, too.

As soon as we got out, a rush of freezing air washed over me and it was almost enough to knock me back.

“Air conditioning too high?” Juniper asked.

“N-No!” I shook my head with vigor, “I think if anything it’s the difference in temperature. I didn’t notice at all in the car, but it’s really chilly out here, isn’t it?”

Juniper extended her arm forward, with her palm spread out.

“Would it help warm you up if we held hands in the store?”

There weren’t many cars around in the parking lot, thank goodness for that, but there could have been eyes anywhere. In the bushes, or staring through the windows.

I looked around, but couldn’t catch the watchful eyes of anyone. Nor anything, for that matter. As far as I could tell, no spy cameras or the like.

“A-Are you sure?” I turned back to Juniper, but couldn’t quite look her in the eye. Not when her hand was so close to mine.

“It will be okay. I’m with you, remember?” Her voice was soothing, but it wasn’t her voice that reassured me, but that soft and radiant smile I was so used to seeing way back in my memories.

My arm shook as I reached out for her hand. At last, I grabbed it with a tight grip so as not to let go.

She swung our hands forward as we walked into the glass doors of the grocery store. Outside were displays of potted plants and other green vegetables.

The whole while we walked, my heart pounded and throbbed and I felt like I was about to break into a sweat and gasp for air. Worse, I started having such obscene thoughts:

I want to lock fingers with hers. I want us to play with each other’s thumbs. This is agony.

Inside was far bleaker, as the walls were some kind of murky blue and the lights above were dim to the point where I had to double check to see if there were any bulbs in there at all.

Between each aisle were baskets full of green things, like meter long zucchini and cucumbers, watermelons, and piles of cabbages.

Worst of all: there were other people. I could spy at least two people at each aisle. Some stood in line at checkout stands. Some worked the cash register at said checkout stands. Why did there have to be so many people? What if some looked at me? What if they tried to talk to me?

Juniper began to walk forward and with her free hand, pulled out some wooden contraption from her pocket which unfolded into a basket. As soon as she jerked us forward, I gasped.

“Aa...ah, right, it’s standard procedure to walk in the grocery store.”

Juniper turned to me and my face began to build up steam.

“Are you okay?” She asked.

“Yes. I know the rules,” I said to reassure both of us.

“What are the rules?” She raised an eyebrow.

“We...uh...buy food here.”

“If it helps, you can close your eyes. Just try not to bump into things.”

I did as I was told. Anything to help Juniper.

It immediately fell apart as soon as I closed my eyes and started having thoughts of several Junipers jumping around on pink clouds.

“Aah! It’s too much!” I gasped and opened my eyes.

“Do you want to go back to the car?”

“No. I just need more time to get acclimated,” I declared. I felt so bold for it, too, even though in reality I must have taken deep breaths between every word.

The rest of the grocery shopping went okay. At one point, I tried closing my eyes again and bumping into someone. I opened them and saw a middle aged lady with brown hair in multiple buns stacked over each other in a purple cardigan sweater.

“Well, aren’t you going to say ‘sorry’ or ‘excuse me’?” She scowled.

I would have done so if she didn’t give such a dirty look. No one was asking her to do that. An accident should be obvious enough.

“You clearly should have known I had my eyes closed,” I informed the lady.

She turned her nose up and walked away.

What is with rude people? Even in such a small area as this, they’re everywhere. Yet I’m somehow seen as the bad guy.

Once that lady was a considerable distance away, Juniper turned to me.

“I know she had an attitude, but you could have still said sorry,” Juniper whispered.

“I was going to until she had an attitude. It’s her fault.”

“If I had to take sides, you know I would take yours, but sometimes we have to pick our battles.”

“What battle? I didn’t even punch her.”

“That’s not what I mean.”

“I could have.”

“Don’t.”

We continued to walk around and I watched Juniper fill her basket. She had all sorts of things, like lentils, pears, and sliced bread. I even asked if we could add popsicles and frozen pizzas and she said yes.

Once we got to the checkout counter, it was fronted by some elderly old man with thinning hair and a nasally voice. He seemed harmless enough, but not above reproach if warranted.

“Good day, Juniper,” the cashier greeted.

“Hey there, Tilty. How goes it?”

“Oh, you know. The dogs help remind me to take my arthritis meds. How about you?”

“Just grocery shopping for the wife.”

“And who is this?”

“This is Rachel,” I heard Juniper introduce and already I felt like a block of ice.

“Well, nice to meet you, Rachel,” Tilty greeted.

“Don’t talk to me,” I replied without even looking his way. “I’m still annoyed with that rude lady from earlier.”

“I see…” His voice trailed off.

“Also don’t refer to me by name until you know me,” I added.

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

“Hey,” Juniper released her hand. “Just because someone was rude to you doesn’t mean you get to be rude to someone else!”

Now Juniper’s mad at me. Even now, things just don’t work well between people and I.

I walked out of the store.

It was clear the whole journey was a mistake to begin with. I was too hasty. I didn’t gather enough information and I paid the price for it.

“Hey! Where are you going?” Juniper called after me. Did it really matter what for?

In the alleyway was where I sat, right next to the dumpster. It stunk, but that was just part of the deal. At least the cold, concrete that I sat on welcomed my bum.

Ever since meeting you two, I lost my edge. Worse, I can’t get it back. Worst still, I have nothing to show for it. Even my rough exterior just comes off as pathetic now.

Across the street from where I sat was a wooden sign with small, black printed text. I couldn’t see what it said, even when I squinted my eyes. But the contents didn’t matter. It was all about the image.

I pantomimed having my rifle in both hands. I knew that was lost forever as well, so a pretend one would have to do.

I squinted my eyes as if I were trying to get a clear view for my target, then…

“There you are!” Juniper’s voice.

I didn’t even hear any footsteps. I was so caught up in the bliss of some faux-glory days that I didn’t even sense any sounds outside of my thoughts.

I looked up. She stood over me, but with the shade of the canopy, she cast little shadow.

“What are you doing?” She asked.

“Daydreaming of a life long gone,” I answered.

“Right. You know, at the store, that clerk meant you no harm or offense. Everyone who shops around here tends to be friendly.”

“Except that one lady,” I pointed out.

“Yes, except her. Except she might have been having a bad day as well. I’m not saying she was, but it’s possible. Either way, you don’t have to be formal, I’m not even asking you to be nice, but can you please try not to be mean?”

“I was just laying out my terms and conditions.”

“Right. And you said how you were still mad with that lady from earlier.”

“Annoyed. And it’s the truth. Was I not supposed to say what I mean?”

“That’s not it. Look, I’m autistic, so sometimes these things are hard --”

I waved my hand away.

“I get it already,” I stopped her. “I know I’m not supposed to be rude to service staff and I even try to be friendly around strangers. I’ve tried saying hello to people only to get called a weirdo, and I’ve tipped people whenever I can, and I still get looked at funny for it. I’ve tried with people, but I don’t get the same treatment back. It only stands to reason that most people would make me uncomfortable.”

“I get there’s a lot of people like that, and may not give you a chance. I’m sure Tilty doesn’t hold a grudge, so you should be fine for a next visit, if you wanted to. But even if you’re nervous, it doesn’t give you the right to be an asshole.”

“No, but knowing how cruel people can be does.”

“No! Hate begets hate!”

“Sure, and love thy enemy is a nice sentiment until said neighbor wants to hang you or put several bullets in you.”

“I love you, though.”

“Stop that!” I leaned back and my face turned pale.

Juniper set down the basket of groceries next to the wall and sat down next to me. I panicked and backed away again.

“What are you doing?!” I demanded.

“I want to see the world the way you see it,” she answered.

“Well, that’s going to be rather hard with you sitting in front of me.”

“Remember way back when you said my kindness was a weakness?” She asked.

She wasn’t totally blocking the view. After all, she was shorter than me, so as long as I sat up, I could still see things just fine.

“Yeah,” I answered, “and I don’t think that’s true.”

“I think you had a point. I think you said that because of how people could end up taking advantage of me. I also know how cruel and cold the world can be, just as I knew then. But I still helped people then, and I know I’ve been taken advantage of before, too. I guess I’ve just been lucky that it’s always ended up resolving itself and turning out for the better. But I know not everyone’s so lucky.”

“I like your kindness, though.”

“Thanks. I also get that you’re more guarded and can be more cautious and even at times aggressive. The life you led couldn’t have helped, either. Not to mention, few people understand your condition or even wish to understand and just judge you for what they see. There’s probably a lot more than that, but I get where your worldview comes from. I don’t think it’s bad to be guarded, either, especially because sometimes caution is needed. It’s just important to know that while it may be hard to see it sometimes, there are kind people, too, and sometimes you need to be kind while also being cautious.”

“Can you show me an example?”

“Later.”

“Can I at least hug you?”

“Not unless you want the popsicles to melt. Come on, let’s head back home.”

“Ugh…”

Back home, I ran in and tossed the box of popsicle sticks into the freezer.

When I ran back out of the kitchen, Juniper stood next to the dining room table with the basket of groceries.

“Hey, you two, where have you been?” Ves asked, emerging from her room.

“We went to the grocery store,” Juniper replied, and pulled out a couple of pears.

“Yay! Pears!” Ves ran over to the pears and took one, then before taking a bite, gave Juniper several kisses across the face.

It was painful to bear witness. Was it because I wanted to be the one to kiss Juniper all over? Or...

Do I want to be the one being kissed all over by Ves?

I cringed at such a thought.

She wouldn’t even have to lean over that much like she does with Juniper. With Juniper it’s like she’s a hen and pecking at bird seeds on the floor.

“Are you okay, Rachel?” Ves asked, tilting her head as she did so.

“Yeah,” I said, while looking away.

It wasn’t that I was jealous, right? Maybe I was disgusted. After all, the very act of seeing people kiss was a fairly normal thing to be disgusted by.

Or maybe it’s just disgusting that it’s not happening to me.

“We ran into a rude lady at the grocery store,” Juniper explained.

“Oh no, is that so?” Ves asked.

“Yeah. But I didn’t punch her. So it’s okay.”

Juniper turned and fixed her gaze upon me. It was either a glare, or a reminder.

Oh, right. The talk.

“You might want to hurry up and eat the pear. You probably won’t have an appetite soon,” I suggested.

“Uh. What?” Ves gave a nervous chuckle.

“Yeah. Finish the pear. Then you should probably have a seat at the couch.”

Juniper then titled her head as well. Both of their eyes were upon me.

“Yeah. You might wanna eat a pear or something, too, Juniper.”

Knowing my recent string of luck, this will probably result in failure.

They both sliced through those pears with their front teeth, like a woodchuck with wood. After tossing them out back where the compost pile was, they went over to the kitchen. Both of them sat on the couch, toward the right end. Juniper sat in front of Ves. Which would have made Juniper closer to me. Any other time, I would have found that a treasure, but it was really the princess I wished to break.

I continued to stand. It felt better that way.

“So what is this about?” Ves asked.

“You know this kinship we’ve been feeling? It’s no coincidence,” I began.

“It’s not?”

I shook my head.

“You see, while I said earlier that my ‘death’ wasn’t your fault, and I didn’t mean to make you cry, it is true that you inspired it. You see, three years ago, I was in the area when you were still a therapist and hearing about you made me want to quit…”

I stopped after seeing Juniper’s jaw hang low.

I sighed. That wasn’t right.

“Fuck it,” I shook my head, “there never was any boxing.”

“There wasn’t? But okay, were you in the area? And how did you know I was a therapist? Also, sorry if you saw me around that time, I was going through a lot.”

“I know you were. And you’re damn right I was in the area. You were such a shitty therapist, and you know why? Because you were a fake. You were never supposed to be one in the first place. Somehow you thought such a job, which you yourself weren’t qualified for and had no idea what to say to others, would bring you happiness.”

“Now hold on a second. Where do you get off?” Vesuvius scowled.

It seems I struck a nerve. That wasn’t important. If anything, it was all a part of the procedure.

“I have every right to get off on you! You caused so much trouble at that time, not just for me, but for others around you. And sure, they may have forgiven you, and I get it was largely not your fault, but seriously? You can’t blame one of those celestials for every action you took. Some of that was on you.”

“Celestials? What? And what do you mean trouble for you? I don’t recall ever seeing you as a therapist.”

“Oh, but you did. Just under a different name, with a different set of hair. Does Clara Waters ring a bell? If not, that’s fine, it’s not one of my favorites. It was a fake name, just like you were a fake therapist. There was also Clair Skye. Do you see what I’m getting at here?”

“What? What are those names?”

“And you wanna say you’re in a better place, and that you moved on, but I heard about what went down between you and Remora. You were waiting for an excuse for your grief to be over that you tried to project onto someone else. Now, I know you’ve moved past that as well, but here you are: saying you’ve moved on still, yet willing to deny what’s right in front of you for the illusion of wellness. So now it falls on me, the ghost of Christmas past, to tell you, Mr. Scrooge…”

“Stop messing around, Rhea!” Juniper scolded.

“Right. I was so caught up in my rant I forgot what I actually wanted to say.”

Tears began streaming down Ves’s cheeks.

“What kind of sick joke is this?” She asked, at first soft, but then she continued, louder, “where did you hear all these things? More importantly, why are you saying such things?”

There was no need for me to plea for understanding or give such a pitiful pursed lip. If my stare wasn’t enough, I didn’t know what was.

“I know I don’t look like a zombie, but I figured the scar would be a dead giveaway. Considering it was a parting gift.”

“Enough!” She shouted and sobbed into her hands.

I stared for a few seconds, but couldn’t think of anything else to reach her with. The truth really wasn’t worth the damage.

“I’ll find somewhere else to go. Thank you for these past few days. Both of you,” I bowed, then walked out of the house.

Not even a few steps outside, and the clouds turned black as it started to rain. First a drizzle, then a downpour.

I continued walking in spite of how soaked I was. My destination was the highway. Where to? Wherever I could dry off.

As I neared the highway, I began to think of that reaction more.

It’s like what I was trying to avoid came true. What was it worth telling her anything? We could have stayed...what? I couldn’t have stayed Rachel. Not like I could ever keep the same name for very long.

Twice in the same day, I made that woman cry.

I made a scene at the grocery store and made Juniper mad.

All I’ve been doing was making life worse for the both of them. What delusions did I have? Some kind of silly fling? In this lifetime? No, not even in the next.

I’m pretty sure I began to cry as well. It could just be my eyes were strained from the rain getting in my eyes, but the drops, which I was sure fell from either my cheeks or my nose, tasted salty. Almost warm, or a little sweet.

This confused sense of warmth was the best I could ask for.

I shivered again. Was it just me or was the rain getting more intense?

Behind, I heard splashing and clicking sounds as if someone was running over. I turned back, and there Juniper was, running toward me.

She was just a few steps toward me when she tripped against some wet soil and almost fell. I caught her hand just in time and held her up.

“Thank you,” she huffed.

“What are you doing out here?” I asked.

“You need to get back inside!”

I looked back toward the road. I wasn’t far. It wasn’t like I was forced to go in.

“I really can’t stay,” I concluded.

“Rhea, it’s cold outside!”

“Yes, and it will be cold inside, as well.”

“You’ll catch a cold.”

“I’m already cold.”

She grabbed my hand tighter and tried to pull me toward her.

“Come on!”

“No. I don’t have a place here.”

“And I’m saying you do!”

“But what about Ves?”

“She’s still on the couch! She wants you back in!”

“What if she’s not?”

“You’re right. She might be in the bedroom getting blankets.”

“Then why would you lie?”

“I’m not! You’ll see!”

“Make sense!”

She stood up on her tiptoes and reached her hand up to my cheek, wiping away some of the rain (and possibly tears).

“Sorry. I’m not one of those ‘kissing in the rain’ types. Besides, I don’t think we’re done talking in there.”

“What will Murphy’s Law charge us with this time?”

“Would you rather speculate or find out?”

I guess I would rather find out, as I ended up following her back in.

Inside, the lights were warm with candlelight on the tables. On the couch was no Ves, however.

“I thought you said she’d be on the couch.”

“Look! Blankets!” Juniper pointed to a spot on the couch where a blanket was laid down and several other blankets hung off the neck of the couch.

I shook all the rain off of me, just like a dog would, then raced toward the couch.

Once I wrapped myself in all the blankets, I shivered about. So business as usual.

Ves emerged from the kitchen with a mug in her hands.

“Would you like some hot chocolate?” She asked. I noticed her eyes were red and puffy.

“Hot. Cold. Doesn’t matter.”

“Okay. Do you like chocolate?”

I glared at her. She glared right back at me. I wondered if my eyes were red as well.

“Yes,” I said at last.

She brought forth the mug and set it down at the coffee table not far from the couch.

She sat down across from me, back at the right end where she was before. She had her legs curled up.

“Sorry about my outburst. I didn’t mean for you to walk out,” she said.

“You’re forgiven.”

“Am I?”

I glared at her, then started to cough.

“What is with you and forgiveness? As if that’s the real issue here?”

“Well, what about you and all that rant about how I caused all these problems and I’m not actually all mentally well?”

“It’s all true.”

“As brutal as ever, I see,” she scowled.

“And you’re still stubborn as all hell.”

“You’re one to talk. We could have worked together on a solution, you know.”

“Same goes to you. I offered multiple times.”

“Yeah, but don’t you see those were bad solutions and wouldn’t have worked anyway?”

“As if you had any better ideas.”

She chuckled.

“It really is you, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, princess. It’s me.”

“How?”

“I don’t know how.”

She reached out and placed her palm on my cheek. It may have been warm. Hot, even. I was just too cold to tell.

“Part of me must have suspected. I felt a closeness with you in such a short amount of time, yet I just didn’t want to believe the possibility that you were actually familiar. I still love Juniper, and I think I have feelings for you as well.”

“Ah.”

“Ah? That’s your reply?”

“Um. Congratulations?”

“I have something to say, too!” Juniper hopped over and tracked mud all over the floor. She crouched down at the edge of the couch and peered up. “I love Ves, and I love Rachel...er, Rhea, as well!”

“Should I start my own cooking show?”

Juniper nudged me.

“Well, the truth is, I’ve had a crush on Juniper,” I admitted.

“That was obvious from the start,” Ves replied.

“No it wasn’t. Don’t just decide something’s obvious when it isn’t.”

“Can I lay beside you?” Juniper asked.

“Is there room on the couch?”

“You can squeeze in if you put one leg over Rhea’s,” Ves suggested.

Juniper crawled up next to me on the left side of the couch and laid to the side, facing right, with her right leg over me. Ves ended up doing the same, only from the left end. They wrapped their arms around my chest, as well, and rested their heads on each shoulder.

“Truth is, I also feel a closeness with Ves. So maybe the reason didn’t start the same as the reason with Juniper, but in the end, I think my feelings for both of you ended up at the same place.”

The room was silent for a while until Ves started rubbing her hand against my chest.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“You just feel so real,” she answered.

“That’s because I am.”

“Are you sure this isn’t a dream?”

“It’s not one of mine.”

“Not mine, either. I’m too aware for it to be.”

“Not mine!” Juniper grinned. I reached up and ruffled her hair.

“Then if it’s none of ours, whoever’s dream it is doesn’t matter. We’re real to each other,” I concluded.

They didn’t say anything to that, but that they rested soon afterward seemed to indicate it was a satisfactory answer.

[softness-and-shattering]

@roses-garden-of-villainy

the critique was never that dropout doesn't validate trans women's identities as women, so the notion that they included a trans woman on the girly girl episode of a show doesn't refute it. the critique is that it makes me and many other transfems uncomfortable to watch their most popular shows (the ones that constantly get clips shared online: make some noise, game changer, d20) and never see any transfems. on a platform that advertises/prides itself on inclusion and diverse casting.

wewe 've preferred to keep this discussion under comments but I got verbose so here we are. If anyone else wants to join in, please assume good faith, listen, and dont be an asshole. I will delete and block anyone trolling or just looking for a fight. Im not here to Debate You TM.

Hi!

I have a couple of thoughts in response, given that we're strangers talking in text only on a touchy subject, I guess Im going to give you the benefit of the doubt and hope that you will do the same, otherwise there's sort of nothing to discuss. General DiscourseTM tredipation/disclaimer, you know?

In no particular order:

Honestly, from what I personally saw of the general discussion, it seemed like there was something of a jealousy re Ally so publically transitioning as transmasc and being so beloved - on screen at least, but with Dropout it always does seem genuine, but you never really know - and a desire for a like, equal and opposite representation for transfemmes. Which honestly is a very understandable desire, its just not reasonable to raise critique about imo because its not predictable nor even necessarily desirable of a public process to go through. Thats my personal sense of whats at the heart of this. But I could very well be wrong about that so let's talk about the surrounding stuff as well.

The critique that I heard was that there arent any trans women/transfemmes (tbh I dont know which term is the preferred umbrella term if there even is one) on Dropout at all, but there are so many transmascs and thats weird. And that it was about seeing representation of people who share ones oppression specifically, which I find strange and also quite worrying as a uniting factor of identity - it can be one obviously, but centering ones identity around suffering is not super healthy, and is a issue basically all queers are dealing with atm. Thats a sidenote, my brain likes to takes detours, its just how I organise information no matter how structured I try to be. Different kind of structure. Ok. And some people said "what are you talking about, Sephie was on some shows years ago" and like ok but that was years ago, its a bit tokenising. So the fact that she's in the most recent season of Um, Actually is significant to me, that she's ongoingly part of the team rather than someone who guested years ago and hasn't been seen since and is therefore convenient to bring up as A Dropout Trans Woman for the sake of discourse without taking ongoing inclusion into account. That Sephie was on the "girly girl" episode, I didn't really mean as a point to be made in the Discourse. Im just saying that her specific inclusion there, and the fact that - as they say in the episode - the concept of doing a "girly girl" episode came from twitter feedback about general nerd sexism and what counts as nerdery to begin with, and I think thats all-round good ally behaviour. Do an episode of largely childhood girl experiences and include the person who might've missed out on some of that particular camaraderie and also reaffirm by doing so that she's a woman who had a girlhood, even though it was a little different than standard. Especially given the context in the US right now, though idk when this was scheduled and filmed, I think its a good move. And relevantly as a whole, evidence that theres probably no particular transmisogyny going on, or if so its not widespread. Some people seemed to be painting Dropout as this terrible organisation for claiming and failing to be super inclusive and I think its more likely an unfortunate coincidence that while quite a few out trans people work there and are the talent on screen, as far as we know only one of them, Sephie, is transfemme. Though we never know for sure until and unless someone says so, and Im honestly not sure if Ally considers themself to be transmasc, and I have no idea what identity labels people like Erika Ishi'i or Vic Michaelis use to describe themselves, we basically just have pronouns to go off of.

Re not seeing transfemmes specifically in the shows that are popular and clipped the most - firstly Um, Actually is one of their flagship shows, it has 9 or 10 seasons, and I have seen it clipped. Listing all the other popular and much-clipped shows but not qualifying Um, Actually amongst them feels to me the slightest bit disingenuous, but like I said I cannot know your intentions so I am assuming benefit of the doubt. And I get it, popular-in-queer-nerd-circles shows with queer nerds, of course you want to see people like you in there having a good time being funny. Thats super normal and reasonable to want. Zooming out slightly though, it starts to seem a little unreasonable to me. Because anyone who's a member of any minority in any kind of public, filmed situation is already being seen as representative for all the good and all the bad of that minority (and more so re overlapping identities but thats a different can of worms). It seems like Dropout is a good friendly place to be trans, so thats at least a little less pressure, but theres still pressure. Plus all the regular pressure to perform, to create good improv, to make people laugh, to say things that can be used in the final cut of the show that I imagine everyone who goes on those stages feels regardless of their own identity. And then you're also asking that not only do they nail all of this, they need to also be part of a perfectly clippable viral moment. Its just a lot to ask of any one person imo. If it all lines up thats absolutely fantastic, but Im just thinking about filming an episode - I think in a recent Make Some Noise someone made a comment about 30% maybe ending up on the cutting room floor? And then what percentage of an episode, or of all episodes in a season, get clipped and how many go viral? And personally to me, the viral clips are basically advertising, and I think its reasonable to watch the actual show for the parts you want to see, and not expect it to come in the what, one minute clips that get shared around? Like yes of course you want to see a reflection of yourself in the media you engage with, thats very normal, and we all want trans creators to have good opportunities.

There's also a general phenomenon where people hold smaller creators to account in ways they do not treat larger creators. In particular in idk 2015 or so there was this author who had I believe a three book deal. She's Asian-American, and the first book ARCs were sent out, and in the book she dealt with the topic of slavery. And people really didn't like this, and trashed her online, which turned into a whole cancel culture hullabaloo, which incidentally is the only time I know of that someone being "cancelled" actually worked because her book deal was pulled and her debut was never published, because of a lot of strong reactions from people who hadn't even read the book. Because she was on twitter, and she was a new author, she was accessible and vulnerable in ways that other creators aren't. If there was like a James Patterson book with distasteful or badly handled themes, he's "too big to fail", he's literally a large team of ghost writers in a trenchcoat, people are still buying fricking harry potter, because when people, or organisations, have power theyre more untouchable and people dont bother and dont hold them to as high standards. people look at Disney+'s list of queer shows every year and dont know or dont consider that the creators had to fight the execs every step of the way for every scrap of queerness. My point being, Dropout is a pretty small studio. I dont know finances and that kind of thing to pull statistics and such, and theres obviously a lot of behind the scenes work that isn't seen by us, but theyre no Disney or Hulu or whoever, and theyre way more diverse than these much bigger studios. And I think theres that inclination to demand so much more from smaller creatives because theyre more accessible, they seem more like people you can talk to than a giant monolith surrounded by a moat of lawyers with an untouchable writers room who do whatever they like. Which isn't to say that its wrong to hold people to standards, I certainly wish we could hold big orgs to higher standards on pretty much everything. But I think its also important to recognise scale and think about what seems reasonable to want, and ask for. Like "hey girly interests are just as nerdy, can we have at least just one girl-focused episode of Um, Actually please" is fully reasonable and they followed through on that one. "Hey we'd love to see more out trans women on screen, is that something you can focus on please" is super reasonable. I was just seeing a bunch of essentially 'Dropout hates trans women and we need to shun and cancel them because they hate us" and I think thats not a reasonable course of action based on available evidence. i cant tell anyone what to feel because feelings are facts of reality and not judgements or moral statements. Feelings are also not always based in reality, if that makes sense. Or rather, based in generally objective reality. Someone can feel rejected and hurt without an active rejection taking place, because feelings are so personal and based on our experiences. Which is why in general I think its important to listen to ones feelings, but also look at what facts and evidence can be observed and talk to other people about their perspective and try come to a more wholistic understanding of a situation, rather than acting on emotion alone.

This got really long, I hope it makes sense to you. Feel free to think about it and not respond immediately. If I wandered too far off and haven't properly responded to what you said, just say so and Ill try course correct back to relevance. Also disclaimer, I dont think dropout are perfect amazing faultless flawless etc. They are people. Everyone fucks up. They do seem to me like decent people who treat each other well and thats important to me. I will be sad if I am wrong about them, and I hope that Im not, but I recognise its always a possibility. Im not affiliated with them or anything. etc.

.

[takami-takami]

hii I love all ur posts and writing !! (bare with me english not my native language but talking with people helps)

just wanted to ask what do u think hawks would be like when thinking abt getting married, some people think he isnt that type of person more like douchebag / playboy etc but hes a sweetheart deep down considering everything that happened to him (and "mean!hawks" too IDK hes prob just a annoying tease in bed) anyways i was thinking about it earlier and i was like wtf would he do, im sure he would do it in private but other than that idk because the commission, planning, what are ur thoughts? maybe he would be really anxious thinking about it but he knows ur the one? nobody has written about this like for real ( i THINK) if u or someone else has tell me PLEASE. i"ve been thinking about it for a while (a Lil embarrassed ngl)

just asking what u think in general what he would do bc like said havent seen anyone talk about it

at the start of the relationship, he's probably like nervous to even be in one but after like 3 months or something he probably wants to be with you forever and never let u go, it would be a bit hard for him to plan it all out because he barely has anyone to talk about it other than you unless he hired someone which no.. i think because he wants to make it special from his heart + the commission giving him any time to do anything let alone a honey moon and blah ya know?

other than that im stumped no idea

(u can ignore idm !! )

(MHA season 6 episode 3 spoilers ahead!)

People say Hawks is a playboy, but that couldn't be further from the truth. He's such a sweetheart. Self sacrificing.

I think he falls hard. It is extremely difficult for him to trust, given not only his childhood, but his time with the commission, too. With the amount of undercover dirty work they made him do, there's no doubt they taught him from very young to trust no one. The message from his parents and the commission is clear: he can only trust himself.

But... We know Keigo still feels; so, so strongly. Dabi mocks him for it, mocks him because he can't stop himself from being "distracted by his emotions". Even when he knows what he's "supposed" to do in the Twice scene, he hesitates because it fucking hurts, he still feels pangs of empathy. Despite all he was taught about shutting off your emotions, that's something he still can't do completely, even if he ultimately decides to do the opposite of what he feels.

So. It would take a very, very long time for him to truly open up to you, much less recognize his feelings as romantic (he goes through a stage of denial, because he never saw himself actually being "selfish" and allowing himself a real relationship). But once he has his mind made up, and really makes that decision to be yours, he will not give that up for anything. He follows through to the end.

I think he always wanted to get married. Not in the way his parents did; he never did have a good example. But the way people on TV did, the way they wax poetic about in songs he never understood. He is definitely the marriage, soulmates kind of guy. He craves that slow, that domesticity, to protect.

You make such a good point that he wouldn't know what to do because he has no one to talk about it with... But he knows he wants it to be special. He would fret and fuss so hard about it being perfect, trying to impress you and stressing over it so badly.

Until one day, you grab his hand and tell him, "lets get married, right here. Right now." It doesn't have to be official to be entirely authentic and in love and you. To the backdrop of the dim light of a summer evening, under the flourescent glow of the string lights adorning your back porch, you have your first dance to the tune of the creaky wood beneath your feet. You dance to the tune of a love song he finally understands.

[gra-sonas]

Tyler Blackburn and Michael Vlamis bring the beloved couple of Alex Manes and Michael Guerin to life on Roswell, New Mexico. The sci-fi drama premiered in 2019 and is currently finishing its final season. The series finale will air Monday, September 5 at 8pm ET/PT on The CW. This interview will include spoilers for episode 4×12, “Two Sparrows in a Hurricane.”

I had the incredible opportunity to chat with both actors about those emotional Malex reunion moments, what the couple’s dream ending would look like, Michael and Alex’s character arcs, the legacy they want the fan-favorite couple to have, and so much more. Keep reading for our discussion!

Tyler, we finally got you back! I’ve been waiting for you to be on my screen again, I’m so happy. I was just floored by your performance as well as Michael’s in the last episode. For both of you, which scene was the hardest or your personal favorite to film together for the reunion and why? Michael Vlamis: Oh, wow. I know that, I think, on set the day that we shot that scene where like I walk away from you on the truck after you tell me you’re dying, and I walk a little bit and I turn around, it’s like right before Bonnie and Dallas pull up, I remember that scene being so interesting because it was like, what is the ultimate joy? Very rarely do you experience the ultimate joy of what you want, out of your partner specifically too, and then the lowest of lows within like a second. So that was a really, I thought — I mean, I say fun, even though it was like a gut-wrenching scene, it was a fun scene to do because you get to go super, super deep. I mean, it’s kind of some of the most simple acting that I’ve done as Michael Guerin because he’s just like, there’s nothing, he’s stripped away in that moment, you know? I really enjoyed doing that. Tyler Blackburn: Yeah, that’s a good point that you brought up. I think that scene was interesting because I really hit you hard. I’m like, “I’m dying, let’s get married though,” you know what I mean? It’s like, “What the hell?” I think that was challenging even for me to navigate that trajectory and to watch you receive that, but I don’t know, I feel like it is funny to say, I mean, actors are ultimately like masochists in some ways, so I think to say we enjoy doing that is true because it’s the challenge. One thing I think you and I have in common, Vlamis, is we want to make things as real as possible and you know, we’re talking — we’re on a show in that heightened state, we’re in an alternate dimension, I’m dying, let’s get married though, and we still want to make it very real. I think we really got it quickly too, which was gratifying. It made me feel… it was like just really riding a horse, showing up on set, and all of a sudden we’re just pulling shit out like that. We’re just killing it, loved it.

In tonight’s new episode, you have those scenes in The Crashdown in the pocket dimension, and I was crying. What was that like to do acting-wise? You have Alex saying he’s not going to make it then you have Michael saying he’s going to get them home. How was it balancing those two different perspectives? Vlamis: I remember that was a very difficult scene to do. I remember that that day, where you’re like in the diner, me and Dallas are working and I run up to the — you know, I haven’t seen this episode yet, right? I watch it live, I have no idea if I even did a good job with that monologue. I remember it being like… we did it so many different ways, I kept doing it differently, but I just tried to stay on Tyler because you just look at Tyler and he clicks you in it. His eyes just connect and you give him what he needs. Blackburn: Yeah, that was intense. I mean, obviously pretending that you’re dying but trying to do the right thing for your partner, your loved one, that was challenging for sure. But I think it really — I don’t know, it was an opportunity for you to really like fight for me and fight for us. I remember on the set feeling like you were very invested every single take and stuff so I’m sure it came out great.

So I have to ask, were you both shocked when you found out it was Alex was who going to propose, circumstances aside? Did you have any guesses before of who would be the one to propose eventually? Vlamis: I don’t know if I actually… Blackburn: I didn’t really think about it either, to be honest. Vlamis: No, no, it kind of just seemed like something would happen. Blackburn: Nothing about our relationship is traditional. So it’s like we probably should have just gone to Vegas, Nevada. We should of just in the alternate universe, gone to Vegas. No, I don’t know, but I think it’s cool that Alex did that because, I mean, obviously the circumstances, he had to do it then, but I think in a lot of ways– I was gonna say Alex has been more passive, but I think throughout the four seasons, Guerin was always like, “show up, show up,” you know what I mean? And I was always just like, “I can’t do this.” I think it was great that Alex was like, “I know what I want now.” Obviously, when you’re dying, things probably click into perspective a little bit.

One thing that I really was laughing about in the best way and that I know the fans are gonna get a kick out of is that Malex forever banner at the wedding. What was your reaction when you saw it? Blackburn: This is actually my honest, honest take, when I got to that set, I was like, “I’m so glad that he’s stopping this wedding because this is gaud as fuck. This is like the worst-looking wedding ceremony ever.” I mean, the gesture is sweet but like, this is bad. So I’m glad that you stopped it, to be honest. Vlamis: They’ve never played into — have ever played into the ship name on the show actually up until that point?

No, I don’t think so. I was shocked. Blackburn: Oh, wait, was that the first time ever? Vlamis: Yeah, that’s why it was like kind of — I don’t know they kind of just went for it. Blackburn: That’s so hilarious, I don’t even know if I realized. Vlamis: That’s like if on Pretty Little Liars there was Haleb in the background. Can you imagine? Blackburn: They might have to be honest. I don’t even know, that’s such a crazy concept. The ship name thing. Vlamis: Yeah, but in the show? It’s insane.

I haven’t seen it on the show. I’ve seen it on others. But this is the first time and I was like, “Wow, what a way to make a statement.” Vlamis: I mean, it’s a fun thing, but it is kind of almost like breaking a certain wall, especially if no characters have ever said it before, but I’m not remembering. Maybe they have said it. I don’t know.

The fans will figure it out, they’ll let you know. No spoilers here so throw away what you know about the finale for a second. I’m personally, in my opinion, saying that Michael and Alex are getting married, whether it’s in the finale or future, they’re getting married eventually. So beyond marriage, beyond the finale, what is their happy ending? Do you see Malex having kids? Do you see them moving away from Roswell? In your head, what is their dream ending? Blackburn: Please let them move from Roswell. I don’t understand why anybody would want to stay in a town where all this crazy shit goes down. I just don’t understand. I mean, to be honest, I’m like, “We need to figure out a way to go to space together.” I feel like there’s someplace better. I feel like that’s the case. That’s what I would like and then we can have alien babies and maybe we could find — oh, I’m gonna get kind of gross, maybe on that planet, it’s possible for two dudes to get pregnant. Vlamis: To have a baby! We’re definitely going to have kids. I know that for a fact. Blackburn: Yes. Vlamis: How could we not? Blackburn: Oh, they’d be so hot.

I’m just so sad that we’re not gonna see it. I’m heartbroken. Blackburn: I challenge the fans to, in whatever format they want, create what they think our children would look like, whether it’s a drawing, a painting, digital. I think that would be cool, and they can just like put it on Twitter and tell us what they think our kids will look like. Vlamis: Great idea. What about a Malex movie? I challenge the fans to just pitch Malex movies. I want to hear your ideas.

Do you think we won’t? Blackburn: I’d do a movie. Vlamis: I’d do a movie, yeah.

Could you imagine them as dads though? Vlamis: That would be awesome.

I can’t wait to see what everyone comes up with now with those challenges. Next, I have a fun question: there are a lot of times that people get introduced to a show by a simple scene or clip. So if you both could pick a clip or scene to show just how special Malex is to a person who has never seen Roswell, New Mexico, and has no idea who these characters are, which would you show them and why? Vlamis: Wow, that’s a really hard question. Blackburn: I mean, I do think it would be some of the earlier scenes, I just feel like those are the most charged, they were the most telling of our dynamic, you know? Vlamis: The “I never look away, not really” scene, when you like pull me into the trailer. Blackburn: Yeah, I love that one. Vlamis: That was a good scene.

Blackburn: There’s another one when I come to the junkyard, it’s mid-season, I come and… Vlamis: “What do you want to say, Alex?!” Blackburn: Yeah, exactly. I turn around and like, “No, I do have some shit to say.” I think that one is really… Vlamis: Dude, that’s a good call.

What advice would you personally give to Michael and Alex as they close this chapter and move on to the next chapter in their lives? Vlamis: Enjoy being happy. Allow yourself to be happy. Blackburn: My advice would be get out of Roswell and go find actual happiness. Keep loving each other, keep listening to each other, and keep showing up for each other. Vlamis: Keep listening, that’s right.

In these two episodes especially, but also just throughout the series, Malex have had such great callbacks and parallels to your earlier moments. Do you have a favorite that when you read it in the script you’re always excited to kind of play with? Vlamis: Oh, the pieces want to be together is the one that always gets brought up to the point where it’s almost like a running joke how much it gets brought up. Blackburn: Yeah, I don’t like that one. Vlamis: You’re done with it now. Blackburn: No, I don’t like how much it was used. Vlamis: I know, yeah, it got used so much. Blackburn: But I mean, I like the sentiment for sure and I think when it was first said it was pretty whimsical, but I don’t think it needed to be used that many times. I don’t know, I mean, I don’t think you said it that many times but “I don’t look away.” I think that one is simple cause I do think in relationships, it’s like you do have to remind each other why you’re there, you know what I mean? It’s like that at the root of our relationship, that’s what it is. It’s like, “I’m not gonna look away from this.” Vlamis: Yeah, that line was awesome.

What do you think either teenage or season 1, episode 1 Michael and Alex would think of how they end up in the finale? Would they believe it? Vlamis: They wouldn’t even think it. They wouldn’t even know it possible. Blackburn: Right, I mean, I do think as teenagers, I guess I could speak for Alex a little bit… Vlamis: Teens maybe. Blackburn: I feel like maybe Alex would definitely have that sort of fantasy or– not that you’d have to be young, but I do think when you’re young and you haven’t been extremely steamrolled by life yet, a lot seems possible. So I think, even if it’s in your own fantasy world, I feel like as a teenager, Alex would probably come up with that in his mind, but for it to actually happen, no, I don’t think he would really believe that. Vlamis: I would say the same thing. I think everything when you’re younger, you know, is a little bit more fantastical, even though it’s all real, it can happen, it doesn’t happen the way you think it will happen, especially when your boyfriend’s dad attacks you after… like, that changes how you approach life. Everybody has their trauma. Everyone’s been changed by their past events, but everybody deserves where Malex ends up and I think that’s the coolest thing about our growth. We had amazing arcs. We really did, we really had cool arcs.

Right? The hardships your individual characters went through outside of their relationship were just unreal. It’s so rewarding to see that they get to be happy in the end. I say this all the time, but you both have created something insanely special that I’m so grateful to see represented on screen. What do you want the legacy of their relationship to be for fans? Blackburn: I think just for it to be one step further into like normalizing a queer relationship and having it be really complex, beautiful, harsh, and all of the things that you’ve seen in all of the romantic movies throughout time, but it was always represented by a male and female. I mean, I’m watching a docu-series right now called, The Last Movie Stars, about Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward and I’m watching all of their performances in these clips, and there’s all this like, intense love and hate for each other in some of their scenes, and I’m like, “oh, that’s Malex.” I think for it to be normalized and be a part of that on television, in entertainment, I think for me, that’s a really proud moment. I hope that that’s ultimately the legacy. Vlamis: Yeah, I think you said that perfectly. I mean, what do you want to leave people with? You want to leave them changed. You want to leave them different. You want to leave them better off than they were before, just like we’re better off than I think we were even before the show, right? So yeah, I think that we did some really cool things on this show that were groundbreaking in certain ways, even from like, I saw Harry Styles said that gay men aren’t having sweet, sensual sex in movies and film, that was in an interview that came out recently. I saw IndieWire was kind of going at him because they were like saying that he was wrong about it, and I have no comment on that at all, but just reading that made me think about me, like, sweetly caressing Alex’s leg, his missing leg. That was like — you never see that, not only do you not see queer men doing that, but you don’t see anybody showing a limb like that and in a loving way. I mean, that was pretty amazing. That was pretty wild, we’ve done some groundbreaking stuff in a way and that’s all on the writers and creators, and just grateful to be a part of it. So I hope people are just left with like, we did our best to honor the truth of love and make a difference.

I have to talk about the GONE TOO SOON Vlambase merch that is going to be taking all of my money. Seriously, I’m going to be completely broke on series finale day, so thank you for that. But tell me about doing that, especially the Malex collab. You’re really honoring all of the characters with this drop and I think it’s a beautiful thing. What is it like seeing the response to everything and sharing it with the world now? Vlamis: Oh, it’s so cool. They’ve heard me, they’ve seen — look, it’s all I wear, so it’s gotten to a point where everyone’s almost like sibling annoyed with me in a way and now that everybody wants to be a part of it, and seeing Lily’s design doing so well, Nathan’s a part of it, and we have other people that we haven’t even announced yet, but it’s so cool. I mean, Tyler and I, every time I do with Tyler, it’s more fun. I mean, everything from our photoshoots to whatever, it really feels like it’s a continuation of advertising for the show. We really like… they’ll see on our latest photoshoot what we did for the fans and they’re gonna enjoy it. You’re talking about what life is after the show, I mean, we have a lot of fun with this. I think more shows, more actors should be doing stuff like this. It’s so fun and the fans seem to really love it, you know? Blackburn: I mean, yeah, I definitely think what he’s saying is so true. It’s just a way to connect even further, outside of the parameters of the show, and kind of have people participate. There’s definitely reward in it, and our photoshoots are so psycho and funny. Also too, I think it’s really a great way to spend some time together off set. I mean, I enjoy it. I enjoy it for sure. The response is crazy, the number of people that buy that merch is astounding. It’s amazing.

I am so not ready for the photoshoot. While I am 100% behind the Malex movie, I need to know when you two are going to be on my screen again. Is there a dream project you would like to do next? Blackburn: That’s very hard for me to say. I think for me, I’m gonna take some time to really navigate what I want the next phase of my career to be. So I think I’ll probably be a little bit more patient and potentially picky. So I don’t know, I’m like really open to reading different types of scripts and you know, the majority of my career has been sort of in this YA genre. Roswell is not exactly YA but sort of and so I’m looking to, as a 35-year-old, actually graduate a little bit. I mean, I have a lot of things that I enjoy watching and reading, so hopefully, some of those will kind of, you know, I don’t know I can be in something along those lines, but I don’t know yet. I’m figuring it out.

But if Michael’s attached to a project, are you in? Blackburn: Yeah, absolutely. I think it’d be so fun to do something outside of Malex together. Vlamis: That would be cool, that would be very cool. Blackburn: And I mean, what if we played enemies in something? Vlamis: Man, it’d be so hard but fun.

I mean, they doesn’t have to last as enemies, you could do enemies to lovers. That’s a pretty popular trope. Vlamis: This is not the Malex movie! Blackburn: I know, that’s hilarious. It would be good, I know that. Vlamis: Damn right.

Michael, anything for you? Vlamis: I’m just really excited for my directorial debut to come out. Crossword is coming along great and yeah, I’m gonna go watch it right now actually, an earlier cut so we’ll see. We’re working on it in the editing room, there’s still a lot to be done, but yeah, it’s feeling really good. Hopefully, maybe that’ll be the next time you see me on screen. I don’t know, maybe before then, who knows?

[rising-shellshock]

Okay, I understand! 😊👌 Thank you for answering my questions I appreciate! I have few more questions for you. Q#1: What are your thoughts on Rottmnt Donnie and Rottmnt Leo? Q#2: What are your favorite Rottmnt characters you admire? Mine are Rottmnt Donnie and Rottmnt Leo! 💘 Q#3: What are your least favorite Rottmnt characters you hate? ~🌺

Well 1 and 2 kinda go hand in hand

My favorite is Donnie, I adore this little shit (/affectionate) with all of my heart. Especially as someone who is also on the spectrum. I didn't think I'd be right about him being Autistic BUT I WAS AND I AM SO HAPPY BECAUSE HE IS SUCH GOOD REPRESENTATION.

Anywho, I just adore how he's got his own way of caring so deeply for his brothers, he's so quick witted and dry, (He is, in fact, the funny one. Closely followed by Leo to be fair.) knows how to get shit done, (meaning he CARRIES the team in the early parts of the series FIGHT ME) knows his shit in general, and so SO much more. I'd be typing paragraphs on paragraphs on him. Just know he's a hard ass with a heart of a softie. Kinda a lot like his shell when you really think of it. Cold and hardshell outwardly, Soft and needs to be handled gently inwardly.

Now for the other brothers let's knock them out a little quicker or we'll be here for a WHILE

Leo has grown so much over the series and movie, and it's no wonder why so much love goes to him. He's quick to think on his feet and he's my favorite Leonardo that I've seen. (Not that the previous iterations were bad! No! I love 2012 Leo for example. But Rise is just much more defined in personality to me. The others had one (some more than others, but they did) just not as straightforward to get as ROTTMNT Leo.)

Raph is just... A sweetheart teddy bear. Sure, I love the hardass the other Raphs are, and it makes sense because among the TEENAGERS someone is gonna be a little more rough around the edges and standoffish, in fact I think it would be weird without one of them being that way. But Raph being the eldest gave my eldest sibling position a LOT to relate to. (I was also internally screaming at the Pizza Puffs episode.) And his care for his brothers to ve tough via the protector is admirable. Lord knows I'd do the same.

And Mikey... Man. How do I even begin with this baby boy? I always adored Mikey (2012 Mikey was my favorite as a kid right behind Raph. Yes, Raph was my favorite as a kid even though he was basically my opposite IDK how.) and Rise Mikey was no exception. He has high empathy, something I relate to FAR too much, and he doesn't want to be coddled, which I can also relate to. He's trying his best and his optimism is NEVER annoying. You really just want to hug him! What a good bean he is! Everyone is!

...Well almost everyone. Yeah I do have a... Pretty hot take.

My least favorite is kinda a tie in their own ways that I've been a bit more vocal about.

That being Splinter and Draxum. I'm sorry but the adult figures and family themes with parents were just... Not handled well to me I'm sorry.

Yeaaaah I know I know, that's the whole point with Splinter is that he grows as the series goes on, but it just was FAR too little for me to be satisfied with. Like the show was cut short, yeah, but even with the series cut short there was REALLY no episode with Splinter growing as a father more than "Oh I fucked up and I *apologize*" LIKE??????

Especially when he has episodes where he takes two steps in the OTHER DIRECTION

Y'know like-

And this was the first out of the series, before the movie came out, that Donnie actually and seriously cried. Which just. Shows how much. This HURT HIM. WHICH IS ENTIRELY FAIR AND HE DESERVES HIS ANGER.

But that's a topic for my main blog to tackle for another time. For now, I'll just reblog the part one I have after this since I go into more detail there.

But yeah. Splinter and Draxum are my answers for the third question. The teens were handled FAR better than the adults.

[tobeornottotc]

I don't know but after watching that Vegas Pete torture session, i don't think they'll get together. There is no way pete will survive this and then want to give his heart to vegas, it won't be sane, i don'twant him to...also, is vegas even capable of feeling love for anyone. After this episode and the reveal of how he manipulates and plays twisted games with people and the great lenghths his willing to go to achieve his goals without any feelings or remorse, yea don't think he can love anyone....

Hi!!!

Interesting... I mean again the thing with VegasPete is that they're not for people who are looking for morality or the 'perspective' of what romance is to people in society normally. Pete is going to be fine, Pete doesn't need saving as he's shown in this episode he can stand against Vegas and is up to the challenge. Yes he's not enjoying the torture atm, because it's not consensual yet, but he's goanna break Vegas and have him eating at the palm of his hands, this is painful but it's also something he can handle which is why he's made for Vegas, they are puzzle pieces (as BIbleBuild said) that have been searching for each other for so long, Pete recognises that but the situation started off in an unfortunate way, Vegas fully gone and needing someone to release his pain on, and Pete still not yet fully in the know of who Vegas is but he will and he'll fall for him, and it'll destroy them both but then raise them back to life and give them all they've wanted in their life for so long. 

 Just because it's not sane or proper to you doesn't mean it's the same for people who are like Vegas and Pete and they are people who are like them who find this exactly perfect and who are we to judge or belittle that? You're not Pete, You're not Vegas you don't know what they find perfect or freeing for them, you don't know what removes their scars. So you can't say that. If it makes you uncomfortable then don't watch it, if you can't process it, it's okay if it makes you feel uncomfortable you're allowed to choose what does that for you, but for them and other's it makes sense and that's okay too. 

Vegas is cruel, he's a monster, he's been made one, he's been given no choice, his actions throughout the whole episode his need to break down his family and teach them a lesson, his screaming and need to be heard, accepted and listened to, is important and this show showed, that everything he's done comes from his father who is just as sick and twisted as he is and forced him to be that way, he has become numb to depravity and madness, he's become numb to suffering and pain, that's why he's the way he is, but he's also in a mafia environment, this wasn't going to be a romantic comedy situation this is a complete environment you and I have never had to experience or feel the brutality and ruins of, Vegas is as much a victim as an attacker, he's as much a prey as a predator, he's as much a hurt person as much as a torturer. That's the irony of him and Pete understands that, Pete yearns for someone like him who is both sides, who understands both sides, Pete understands Vegas and yes right now he hasn't yet seen Vegas, right now they're still in their sick game, because Pete still is seen as an enemy, danger to Vegas and vice versa but once it's revealed it's not what they want to be to each other, then it'll be for them their own freedom and relief. It'll unravel both of them, free both of them and save both of them.

 Vegas wears many masks but Pete will get to see him without it, and so we will finally get to see him, you still don't know the real Vegas, the one behind the masks, he's still wearing masks, still hungering for something, still peeling a layer of himself raw each time he tries to seek acceptance and love from the people around him now that's been twisted it's become a sharp object repeatedly hurtling at him consistently he's wounded bleeding with no point of stopping and he can't breath unless he's with Macau. There's reasons for Vegas but those reasons don't make him less of a monster that he is and that's okay for me, that's okay for Pete, if it's not okay for you that's okay but it just means you don't have to watch it. Again Vegas and Pete are complex it's always two sides with them, it's sickness, pain and danger on one hand, it's also freedom, healing and safety on the other, it's always that with them. You have to be open to seeing both and understanding both and being open to mercy and repentance of brokenness if not it won't be easy for you to stomach these two.

Thanks anon! I'm not ranting at you btw, I actually understand your pov because on one hand like I said with these two there's issues, there's sickness, there's far more pain you and I can imagine and it does bring those feelings of discomfort and fear however it has taken me a lot of moments, and reading and watching to get Vegas, and to get Pete, it's been interesting once you open your mind to truly understanding them it'll be the same for you. It'll hurt but at the same time you'll end up needing them to be together for their sakes and freedom. Thanks again for the ask :) Also Build has repeatedly said to people it's okay if you don't get them but understand it's always been Pete's choice in the story, it is Pete's choice and I agree with him. So just wait and you may understand why they end up needing each other.

[luci-cunt]

im about to go to sleep but when i awaken i hope to find an essay from you on how i get into hermitcraft

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (just got home from work and I have a new puppy so I will be dead for the next week but here's this very quick overview bc I love you and also Hermitcraft)

SO--YOU WANNA FALL DEEPER DOWN THE MCYT HOLE BC DSMP WASN'T CONVOLUTED ENOUGH???? TIRED OF INCOMPREHENSIBLE LORE AND HARD-TO-FOLLOW PLOTLINES FILLED WITH ANGST AND TRAUMA??? WANT SOMETHING A BIT MORE LAID BACK????

OH BOY DO I HAVE THE ANSWER FOR YOU!!!

First of all: Hermitcraft is essentially a series where a bunch of super talented and pretty longstanding mcyt-ers play on a single minecraft server for a period of a "season" and build absolutely fucking insane bases and vibe together. It's all very structured and organized so on every member's channel u'll find playlists for each season.

(oh and by longstanding mcyt-ers I mean literal pioneers in the mcyt community, people who have redstone inventions named after them bc they've been around longer than the redstone itself--etc)

The server is super chill!!! Everyone is very nice and they all get along super well and coordinate things on a discord server so that everyone's got all the info and they also prioritize building over basically everything--which means like, fire tic is off (meaning fire cannot spread), you do not steal anythign unless you will pay it back at least like twice over (once Grian accidentally killed ppl so he grinded them out full enchanted netherite armor/tools + some blocks and this is literally just like, what everyone does)

But!!!! besides all that!!!! where do you start *watching*!!!!

There are something like,,, 30 members on teh HC server??? more??? I cannot remember. Every one of them posts Hermitcraft episodes to their youtube channels, but there's also a HC recap youtube channel dedicated to weekly recaps of all hermit activity which you can find here!!

The thing about HC is that everytime there's a new update to MC, or even just the server starts to get stale--they throw out the world and start a new, completely empty one from scratch and thus is a new "season." Currently we're only a few episodes into the 8th season!

I watch a very limited scope of HC but--here are my limited reccomendations

GRIANNNNNNNN: because of course, we love grian, we stan grian, he has cats--what more could you ask for? Yes you've seen him gracing your screen in MCC and killing it, and you've also most likely seen him in fanart comparing him to Philza bc both are badass MC players with ✨wings✨he's chaotic and super creative and very kind! he also builds lots of mega builds and they are *incredible.* You're gonna wanna watch him if you want some good, lighthearted gremlin content.

Goodtimeswithscar: my BELOVED!!! This man is like, chaos but make it absolutely harmless. He is Dr. Doofenshmurtz levels of unfunctioning in the best ways possible. Mans tries so hard to be a villain and he just akjsd;lfja;sldfkj cannot pull it off and I adore him so much for it. Also he's got a new vibe every season--last season he was a wizard who lived in a giant snail before moving into a massive mining-construciton-thing??? And this season he has very much Howl's Moving Castle vibes. He also streams on twitch!!! Which I would totally recommend bc he's very chill and fun to listen to. You're gonna wanna watch him if you want a little bit more spice to your episodes--what is that spice exactly? Just watch and you'll see >:))

Some honorable mentions of ppl I don't really watch but love:

Pearlescentmoon: she's a new member to the HC server this season and I love her!!! I've only seen her a bit in Grian and Scar's vids but she took down an entire build just to rotate it like 90 degrees we stan an icon.

Mumbojumbo: a redstone fucking madman--also like--posh?? but in an unoffensive way?? I have no idea this man is so white but also I love him?? that doesn't describe him right just--just watch something of his and you'll understand.

Bdubs: my BELOVED!!! he's just aslkjd;flajsdflk everything, idk man just watch a vid and you'll be in love he's just aslkjdf;lasjkf everything. His starter house is a massive moon with a clock hanging from it it's so pog I love him so much watch his videos

OH AND WHAT'S THAT???? YOU GET HOOKED ON HC CONTENT BUT THINK,,,,,,, 'HM--THERE'S NOT QUITE ENOUGH MURDER IN THIS'???

BRO I"VE GOT THE ANSWER FOR YOU!

(also it's very short--I think there's only like 8 episodes cuz there was only 8 sessions--it's complicated but Grian explains it in the first ep dw)

3rd Life SMP

(everyone has 3 lives--losing the first 2 means nothing, but once you die 3 times you goal becomes to kill every other player on the server. It does not go over like this. Roleplay ensues. Gays are had. What the fuck why does Ren have a scottish accent--why is he dead--MARTYN WHAT--)

You want wholesome gays with a bit of angst but an overall happy ending that will make you cry???

Watch Mr. Gaming and Scott Smajor's POV

(they live in a flower filled valley in little hobbit holes and they are husbands and they are not going to murder people bc that is not what nice people do and--oh my god did you just fucking kill my husband alright murder is ok--)

You want lighthearted, roleplay light hilarity???

Watch Grian and Scar's POV

(there's a llama named pizza, grian is bloodthirsty and not even on his red life, and scar really just would rather steal cookies and scam ppl out of their nice clothes than kill ppl)

You want somethign I can't even really describe but there's royalty involved?? and people dying for one another and very dramatic rp??

WATCH THE RED KING AND HIS HAND BRING UPON THE RED WINTER

(there's not even an explanation I can give here, I love them, they're killing it)

(there are other awesome ppl on the server but that's who I was mostly watching, also--Maj--to get you invested here's some mostly spoiler free cool fanart to hook you and some shitposts that are hilarious and very accurate <3 XDD)

Be warned tho man,,, that last episode--on anyone's POV alk;jsdf;lajsd it's ajlsd;fkjsad;lfkj just

Ok sleep time now, I had to cuddle a needy puppy like, throughout this whole thing and typed most of it with one hand you would not believe how hard it is to find and link this many things with one hand if you do not click on every single link I will know and I will stab you <3

[trutrustories]

Okay, this will be probably long and with many errors (my english isn´t very good) But I saw several posts here on Lokius tag, talking about this ship as result of gay fetish, and about non existing chemistry and  how this ship doesn´t make sense etc… And from what I understood there is tagged Lokius because of genuine interest to understand others point of view, so here is mine: I wil try to explain where my frustration comes from, and how I feel about Lokius, Sylkie, AND representation + some other things which I saw here somewhere. But first of all: I like Sylvie, I don´t hate sylkie shipers, and after so many years reading fan fictions, I don´t mind selfcest – I read weirder things. I have some issues with this ship (the mainlythe fact that it isn´t Lokius), but  this is not one of them. Also, I am not about to tell anyone, they shouldn´t ship sylkie.Ship whatever. And I LOVED the show as a whole. 

I just want to defend my standpoint, that Lokius does make sense, people shipping it does make sense and whether it will happen or not, (I don´t have my hopes very high, and I learned to be very skeptical in this regard ) it is more than just about crack ship, or fetish. I´m honestly blown away that people are still surprised that this ship became a thing :D First of all, let´s look at some romantic story telling and tropes: I mean the way they introduced them in the first two episodes set the tone for all series and how the heck this isn´t romantic? Somehow there are all these romantic tropes existing in a show. They´re just there. Just chilling between Loki and Mobius and large portion of audience can´t even see them. (and some of those tropes were used for Sylki as well, so you could actually see them side by side)

For example: 1) traveling to the apocalypsis 2) breaking law/rules for the other 3) literally changing for the better thanks to the other 4) arguing like old married couple 5) saying secrets, personal things to the other 6) sharing glances, touches, visibly being happy around each other - in case of Loki happier then we´ve ever seen him before 7) being completely themselfs around each other 8) One knowing everything (even the worst) about other and still accepting him completely 9) teasing, being comfortable and domestic around each other 10) one being literally enthusiastic FAN of the other 11) Mobius defending Loki whenever he has a chance 12) Freaking amnesia trope that they pulled of in the end??? (It could be different Mobius, but point is he suddenly doesn´t know him - and Loki knows more, in contrast with the beggining) 13) the jealousy in ep4 14) Misunderstanding - when Mobius thought Loki betrayed him and Loki (thanks to Ravonna) thought Mobius betrayed him... 15) witnessing death of the other and being absolutely broken afterwards 16) The goodbye hug with romantic music in the backround 17) Saving life of the one (even when it means problems for the other ) - like Mobius saved Loki´s ass at least three times when he was trying to stop others from pruning him. 18) sharing deep conversations about meanings of life, freedom and how it would be fun to make some chaos and ride that fucking jet ski!!! 19) Inspiring the other 20) looking for each other (Mobius didn´t believe for a second, that Loki would die in the Void and the way how in the last minutes of the series Loki run through all places they were together when he was looking for Mobius... and I could go on. Point is, even if they are not planning to make Lokius canon, all these things are used on a daily basis to describe romance in media and they are used here. On top of that it´s just very poetic and cute, that this drama queen and powerful god of Asgard who looked down on people would find his match in someone, who is so quiet, ordinary on the first sight, and basically is just human from 90s, who loves jet skis. Mobius can´t even fight. But is highly inteligent and he also happen to be as good manipulator, such as Loki himself. - That´s why they work together so well. Mobius sees right through him and once Loki understands that, he drops his evil persona. Almost nobody expected to ship it for real. But story itself and chemistry between them just made it probably the most exciting duo in the whole MCU. And I mean it genuinely. Third episode, even though it was beautiful and Sophie was great in it (and is literally dipped in bisexual colors), is the least favorite for a reason. And that reason being, there is no interaction between Loki and Mobius whatsoever. Lot´s of people though that series slowed down a bit. Even when in fact there was more action, then when we watched Loki and Mobius working at the TVA.

(and let´s just talk about evil!Mobius narative for a bit and how some people say he is manipulative and toxic for Loki: show itself explore heavy themes and one of them is in Loki´s line: no one bad is ever truly bad and no one good is ever truly good. And as a theme in a fictional world, it is working as it should, for the  story. When Loki and Mobius meet, one of them just killed lots of innocent people and destroyed almost whole city. The other one is a part of fascist organization – and in the beginning of the series they both believe what they´re doing is right. They´re both bad, they´re both good, they´re both broken. And they are changing with the help of the other.) From all reactions I watched - and there was many of them, lots of people actually didn´t see dynamic between Loki and Sylvie as romantic in the third episode. So it´s not like Sylvie and Loki had unequivocally love story right from the start.

The only difference is that lots of people won´t see romantic tropes, when it comes to two men in a mainstream show – show that isn´t primarily about relationships and problems that queer people has to face. Because in super hero story and science fiction we have to warn audience, that they´re about to watch two man in love, right? At this point It´s just frustrating really. There were many M/M dynamics that used similar story line, as for example Lucifer, or X-files, or Bone collectors. -  But unlike those M/M pairings, no one was making fun of people for shipping main characters in these shows. But when it comes to two men suddenly you´ll see from all corners of the internet: “why can´t it be just platonic?” “There is not enough platonic relationships” “why can´t two man just be friends?” (They can and they almost ALWAYS are) and “if you think there something romantic between them, you´re delusional” “fetishist“ “And for god´s sake just let them be friends, Loki needs a friend more then....” oh wait, but Sylvie is allowed to kiss him. Sylvie doesn´t have to be just friend. (And I must say, that I love Sylvie, I liked most of the interactions between her and Loki and I think she is a great character ((I hope we learn more about her in the future)) it just doesn´t work for me as well as Loki´s dynamic with Mobius. Maybe partly because of chemistry between actors, partly because combination of characters and they´re personality and also because I had two whole episodes to fall in love with the pair before Sylvie was even introduced.)

First of all: people can be friends and then evolve into lovers. Not only it is common romantic trope, but it is also the most realistic one. And those relationships are usually strongest. second: If people want to see Loki in a platonic friendship so desperately, why can´t it be a woman for a change? They were acting like chaotic siblings for most of the episode three anyway. The age gap aspect is also very funny. Owen is only about 12 years older (That is not that much. But I imagine, some people would get uncomfortable. But If it was man and woman, most of them wouldn´t even blinked. But two men, that has to be somehow automatically son and father figure dynamic) And If you want to dive into age of an actual characters, then good luck with that in a series about gods, variants and time travel. Almost nobody cares about age gap between Lucifer and detective Decker, or Bella and Edward. On top of that, it was heavily implied, that Loki slept with older, silver haired guy in Ragnarok, so it´s not like he would have problem with that.

Different standards are projected in a way how we see romantic dynamics between fictional characters depends on what we are used to, how are we perceiving world around us, what we are expecting to see and ALSO, what we would like to see, that much is true.  When people are used to make no differences between heterosexual and homosexual pairing, then everything what happens to the characters is measured with the same meter. (Even though I experienced queerbaiting many times (( Once upon a time, Sherlock, Supernatural, Good Omens – the last one hopefully is not the case, but I guess we´ll see)) I also saw lots of lgbt shows like Queer as folks and Sense8.) And when we are not used to see it the same way, well… then it looks basically like that one comment under Castiel´s “I love you” scene on youtube, that said  “what a beautiful friendship”.

If we forget about all that chaotic mess behind the scenes (all those articles and contrary messages)  What is happening in a show between Loki and Mobius can be objectively considered romantic and what is happening between Loki and Sylvie in a series can be objectively considered platonic (until the kiss) and vice versa.  And then to see comments about how absurd it is to even think they have chemistry, and about gay fetish - it´s hard to swallow. I read posts about absurdity of a ship and how there is absolutely nothing that would suggests romance.  Well there is, actually. But whether creators are going to work with it or not, that´s something we can only speculate. They already made Loki officially bisexual. So why should it be so absurd to assume, that there is an actual possibility of romantic subplot between Loki and Mobius? Oh right… it´s Disney and Marvel we are talking about.

So on a subject of bisexuality: Bi people can date whoever they want.  But It is a little frustrating, when there is so many heterosexual pairings in the mcu and disney but when there is a promise of lgbt character (speaking of endgame) we get one line about date from a man we´ll never see again. And when there is a promise of lgbt representation you can´t even blink during movie, or you´ll miss it (Star wars, Beauty and the beast). And then Loki said “A bit of both, I suspect the same as you”. And I won´t lie, I was happy. And I think creators made biggest step yet with this one line (which is honestly terrible, that “a bit of both” coming from Loki of all people, is the biggest step forward.) But they played it VERY safe. Obviously, both Loki, and Sylvie are bisexuals, and in three episodes, we had Loki flirting with female flight attendant, Sylvie talking about her relationship with POSTMAN and then they fall for each other. So the only thing that suggests they are really as bi as Lamentis 1 is that little sentence, that can be edited out, or easily overheard. It´s the bare minimum. And I think that frustration with how freaking slowly we´re moving into some progress is understandable. From all those great M/M dynamics I talked about, those, that could make great love story, nothing happened, because too many people “don´t mind gays but don´t need to look at them” or are scared for their children. In 2021.

It is not a fetish to wish for a gay love story in superhero movies/series. (But anyway, I don´t think there is anything bad about it. Some men like to watch lesbian porn, some woman like to read gay porn. AO3 wouldn´t be were it is today, without people reading and writing slash :D – but that has little to do with what we actually see on tv)

I´m not delusional. As much, as I love these two characters together, I know how little chance it has.  I´m not delusional. I´m just in the future, old and tired, waiting hundreds of years for at least one of my OTP to finaly become a fucking canon.

[dean-winchester-is-a-warrior]

Asked and Answered 2 - the Forbidden Post!

So, the other day, I asked @myloversgone a question (Dean x Lisa or Dean x Cassie) in the fun game we were all playing. She answered, Dean x Lisa.

Then I tried to respond back with my rambling thoughts and Tumblr flagged me for e*plic*t material. Which has to be the stupidest thing I've ever seen because it was literally all just clips and gifs from SPN, a show that aired on the C fucking W, a goddam, network TV show! So, really? That's explicit material? I tried to appeal it and they were like, no - it's explicit - shame on you and tsk tsk and we're clutching our pearls! 🙄

They were like, we haven't removed it, we just made it so only you can see it. Oh gee, thanks!

But I didn't post it for just me to see, so I'm gonna risk it and try to post it again, because there is genuinely nothing REMOTELY too e*plic*t for Tumblr. As @myloversgone said, there are straight up p**n gifs on the site all the time. So, I'm hoping it was just a weird little glitch and that this post will be fine.

I will just be copying and pasting exactly what the post was, with any questionable phrases ***'d out. 😁

Omg - these gifs - I'm dying over here! Love them!! I totally get what you mean. eevvaa chose Dean and Cassie because she felt like Cassie was Dean's first love and that they kind of brought Lisa back out the blue in Season 5 when he shows up at her house. I totally got what she meant too, I definitely wish we'd seen Lisa more often, or had some more time with them together before that happened. So he and Lisa just happening, did feel a bit jarring.

Having said that I do also love Dean and Lisa together! You're right, domestic!husband!dean is amazing! And their relationship was very romantic. I also did appreciate that she knew who Dean was and accepted him and understood:

It's a very hard choice I gave you here, cause yes, Dean and Cassie were passionate and their l*ve scene was SMOKIN' hot. And yes, I would have loved for some more of that!!

But I do love Dean and Lisa's much longer relationship, even if we didn't get to see as much of it as I would have liked.

Basically, I'm saying that I'm glad no one gave me this pairing to choose from! 😂

I'll say Dean and Cassie today, but ask me again tomorrow and it will probably change! 😁

Also, I'm gonna share the clip of the scene from the gif above because:

1. I always forget how amazingly well acted this scene is.

2. Jensen and Cindy really do have great chemistry and it 'feels' like they've been together a while.

3. Dean in a Henley. I always forget about this one, and I feel like that is akin to heresy!

4. The freckles.

5. The lashes.

6. JFC, why am I not married to him.

Sorry that last one isn't a reason, just something I lament to the gods every night! 😂

Enjoy!

Oh, oh and also, this little scene from the same episode (6x02). It's very cute, Dean is freakishly beautiful and I'm not sure why I find the fact that he's so much bigger than her so very appealing and s*xy!

Okaaaaaay! I think I'm done now! 😁